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muchty

  1. How do you tell a man that his baby has porn star balls? 5:39 PM Nov 30th from Tweetie
  2. Sorry officer, I don't own a car, so for this joke you have to pretend I have a dead hooker in my *bag* and also that you're not a squirrel. 7:16 AM Nov 22nd from Tweetie
  3. Someone needs to warn creationists that if you mess with Darwin, sooner or later, you're going to find yourself sleeping with the finches. 6:45 AM Nov 21st from Tweetie
  4. OK, you're smart, funny, carrying my child. Whatever. The guy at the next table said "I just don't like enemas" IN A GERMAN ACCENT! 6:45 PM Nov 20th from Tweetie
  5. Those aren't boobs, they're deadly weapons. So that's not a bra, it's an arquebustier. 7:21 PM Nov 19th from Tweetie
  6. REMEMBER KIDS, IF YOU BETRAY GALACTUS HE'LL CRUSH YOUR SILVER-PLATED HEAD AND USE IT TO EAT HIS LUNCH. SURF THAT SPACE WAVE, BALDIE 7:58 AM Nov 19th from Tweetie
  7. If I were Galactus's herald, I'd serve him worlds to devour on a silver salver. Then we'd laugh and tell the children a moral. 7:57 AM Nov 19th from Tweetie
  8. Did I miss a trumang? Someone clue me in. 1:39 PM Nov 18th from Tweetie
  9. Just because I'm working from home doesn't mean I can't dress like a professional. Now hand me your fishnets and shut up already. 6:58 AM Nov 17th from Tweetie
  10. @abigvictory Isn't he vegan? *tumbleweed* *hooked off-stage* 12:22 PM Nov 16th from Tweetie in reply to abigvictory
  11. If boredom builds character, this conference call should get its own pilot on AMC. 12:01 PM Nov 16th from Tweetie
  12. If noone says 'def' anymore, what am I supposed to call it when I get caught air drumming one-handed? 6:06 AM Nov 13th from Tweetie
  13. I don't mind the follow, unfollow, follow, unfollow but dude, didn't anyone ever teach you to keep a constant rhythm? 8:34 PM Nov 10th from Tweetie
  14. Every time I land back in New York I think the same thing. That last Pope was a dirty motherfucker. 7:31 PM Nov 10th from Tweetie
  15. Thomas Paine loved CAPS LOCK almost as much as he loved POLEMIC and CHAMPIONING THE CAUSE OF LIBERTY. 5:55 PM Nov 8th from Tweetie
  16. I just read Common Sense on my phone. Fomenting revolution. There's an app for that? 5:52 PM Nov 8th from Tweetie
  17. OH HAI CHARLOTTE YOU SMELL OF TACOS AND REHEATED MATERIAL 4:53 PM Nov 8th from Tweetie
  18. Wow. This booger would be a perfect scale model of America if someone in Kansas planted magic black beans overnight. 8:02 AM Nov 7th from Tweetie
  19. Chuck Norris shed a single tear at Tony Danza's wedding. Nothing will grow on that spot again. 8:46 AM Nov 6th from Tweetie
  20. I remember the moment I became a Yankee fan like it was only yesterday. 5:54 AM Nov 5th from Tweetie