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mertonsussex

  1. Fast-food contests that encourage consumption to win ought to have more appropriate prizes. "All I need is Boardwalk for free liposuction."
  2. I had a great dream. In it, everyone knew that 'a lot' was two words, while 'irregardless' and 'winningest' are actually zero words apiece.
  3. I synced Twitter with Facebook to post tandem updates. Now I'm a geek blue belt. To go green, I have to start compiling my own Linux coding.
  4. Walgreen's has had Christmas shit out since September. They live in the future! If they start stocking gas masks? Get your affairs in order.
  5. Anyone who cooks Tater Tots in anything other than a deep fryer is truly missing out on one of the simplest, most sublime joys in the world.
  6. Forgot forgot the gunpowder plot / That happened on November 5 / I'm thinking that Fawkes has forgiven me though / For he is no longer alive
  7. So far, the internet has eaten: newspapers, encyclopedias, albums, Polaroids, magazines, postal service, film industry, the yellow pages...
  8. I do not use hashtags. I do not respond with "at" signs. I do not "re-tweet." I may be a trend-sucker, but at least I'm rebellious about it.
  9. Ah, the Monday After Halloween. A.K.A.: The day when you can buy delicious Reese's cups for half price just because they're pumpkin-shaped.
  10. As Halloween approaches, I get nostalgic. I may have to bag-rob some kids this year. Don't worry, I'll only mug the ones with lame costumes.
  11. I almost installed Windows 7, but I decided it would be cheaper and less painful to chew tinfoil while shaving my head with a cheese grater.
  12. If there is a longer half-hour than the one you spend waiting for the Chinese food delivery to show up, I really have yet to experience it.
  13. Even though I think "Truck Nutz" are classless and unfunny, I'm still looking for someone willing to market a counterpart: "Minivan Udders."
  14. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Even so, I don't understand why it's a Federal case when the toilet seat is positioned incorrectly.
  15. The world is overrun with Dakotas, Madisons and Dallases. These are PLACES, not kids' names. So for Christ's sake cut that shit OUT already.
  16. You have to be talented to be a "recluse." People MISS Sly Stone, Bill Watterson and J.D. Salinger. Yahoo Serious? Really just a has-been.
  17. We're raising an entire generation that knows you click on the floppy disc icon to save, but doesn't know what the icon itself represents.
  18. If humans ever lose their taste for schadenfreude and cute animals, the entire Internet will go tits up in a fortnight. Good thing we won't.
  19. Rush Limbaugh says he'd gladly meet with President Obama if invited to the White House. And hey, as long as we're dreaming, I'd like a pony.
  20. Not a sports fan. If I want to yell and scream at a bunch of overpaid idiots I don't know show off and fight over inches, I'll watch C-SPAN.