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melissasantos

  1. oh, so you're choosing this girl who saved your dog's life over me? whatever, man. i once stopped you from eating rotten lunch meat. almost. about 20 hours ago from web
  2. it's barely 11am & the person in the next apt is already bumping into furniture & singing sad R&B! ... is what my neighbor must be thinking. 8:12 AM Nov 13th from TwitterBerry
  3. i used to play baseball with a baguette & a cheese wheel as a kid. jk! i used to eat a baguette & a cheese wheel while the other kids played 2:39 PM Nov 12th from TwitterBerry
  4. for someone who's scared of choking to death or being in a bad car accident, there sure are a lot of chicken bones on the floor of my jetta. 5:25 PM Nov 10th from TwitterBerry
  5. i'm wearing my fake mustache to the liquor store. it makes me look older. plus, i need a disguise because i was just there a few hours ago. 3:51 PM Nov 9th from TwitterBerry
  6. i have to get a job. if you need an elf, pedophile bait or anything requiring a child-sized adult, let me know. i can lift 50 lbs. ok, push. 2:24 PM Nov 9th from web
  7. @holliscguerra so, how are the mizunos? i had the spikes all through track, & they sucked. my nike running shoes are dying, & i need advice. 6:58 PM Nov 8th from TwitterBerry
  8. my neighbor's too scared to have a dance off! guess i should've challenged him, not just started dancing in his yard. maybe he's just scared 1:04 PM Nov 8th from TwitterBerry
  9. i still watch sesame street. my mom says that's why i'm so smart. anyway, has anyone seen my helmet? i want to go outside & chase cars. 7:37 AM Nov 8th from TwitterBerry
  10. burned popcorn? motherfucker, think before you talk. when have you ever seen anyone on a bus eat a tub of burned popcorn? it's ground beef. 9:17 AM Nov 6th from TwitterBerry
  11. i couldn't remember where i parked my car, so i walked home without it. if anyone sees it, @ or DM me. it's green & probably still in drive. 2:07 PM Nov 5th from web
  12. hey, winston-salem: i'm coming nov. 13. @hodgman is, too. but to the bookmarks book festival, not to try on wedding dresses. i don't think. 7:21 AM Nov 5th from TwitterBerry
  13. my stylist says i'm a model client because i let him do whatever i want to my hair. based on that logic, then i'm also a model ... nevermind 7:00 PM Nov 4th from TwitterBerry
  14. fine, sister: i'll grow my hair out for your wedding. but only cause i love you. okay, & cause i'm going to need a garage to live above soon 1:16 PM Nov 3rd from TwitterBerry
  15. one time i tied a guy up & made him sing church hymns while i fucked him. just kidding! could you please pass the mashed potatoes, mother? 12:14 PM Nov 1st from TwitterBerry
  16. police are being pretty cool about open containers & public drunkenness today. you still can't dance naked in the frozen food aisle, though. 9:27 AM Oct 31st from TwitterBerry
  17. i still haven't found a job; my laptop died, & now something is wrong with my car. i think this is god's way of telling me he doesn't exist. 4:49 AM Oct 29th from TwitterBerry
  18. i've won nearly every academic award & just spent 10 minutes trying to unlock a car that wasn't mine. i hope obama never starts doing drugs. 4:15 PM Oct 28th from TwitterBerry
  19. i came to see titties. if i wanted to see a baby drink from a bottle i'd hang out with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend, women in the waiting room. 4:56 AM Oct 28th from TwitterBerry
  20. episode 13: i'm really good at sad dancing. & @awryone is really good at telling me i look like a boy. www.monkeyinquisition.com. 8:34 AM Oct 26th from web