matthewbaldwin
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Wow, this is the worst break-from-Twitter ever. OKAY STARTING NOW
3:05 PM Nov 18th
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Headline News: JUSTICE DEPARTMENT RECONSIDERS CIVILIAN TRIALS FOR TERROR SUSPECTS AFTER MATLOCK JOINS DEFENSE
2:44 PM Nov 18th
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@ My host effed up the I.S. database. It's since been fixed.
9:34 AM Nov 16th
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in reply to Prolixian
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I am taking a break from Twitter and going to try this newfangled "macro-blogging" for a spell.
9:27 AM Nov 16th
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I am rewatching Flight of the Conchords season 1. I'd totally forgotten about the @ cameo.
2:44 PM Nov 10th
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Gays are winning, Tim Eyman is losing, the sun is shining. Nice work, Seattle.
11:45 AM Nov 4th
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@ @: Haha, I heard that line too and had the same thought, pretty much verbatim.
8:55 AM Nov 4th
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If I could extend everything as long as I can extend a deadline I would be a popular dude.
8:37 AM Nov 4th
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How my cat manages to vomit every ounce of food he ingests onto my carpet and yet remain obese is the greatest mystery of our time.
6:34 PM Nov 2nd
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Oh you know, just sitting around in my underwear and eating fun-sized Almond Joy bars while listening to "The Best of INXS Disc 2". You?
6:19 PM Nov 2nd
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I am going as a guy who obviously didn't start on his costume until 4:45 this afternoon, again.
3:32 PM Oct 31st
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@ You look soporific!
3:31 PM Oct 31st
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in reply to brittneyg
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I wish your Miranda rights allowed you to wear an enormous fruit hat during your booking photo.
3:01 PM Oct 23rd
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Today I went to both the dentist and the auto shop. Mouth cost 6x more to fix and doesn't even have air conditioning.
3:42 PM Oct 22nd
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@ Gouda / Buddha. That one's for free.
12:47 PM Oct 22nd
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in reply to crispycracka
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I need to embrace a subculture in which my ridiculous hair is the norm (e.g. hipsterism or hoboism).
11:40 AM Oct 22nd
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Car won't start. Fortunately it's the starter and not the battery, so you can still listen to the radio while sitting there sobbing.
9:16 AM Oct 22nd
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If you work hard your entire life you can achieve your dreams by retirement. Specifically, the dreams where your teeth fall out.
9:20 AM Oct 21st
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Help me decide my Halloween costume! I am torn between "Sexy Bottle of 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner" or "Sexy Textiles Industry".
6:43 PM Oct 20th
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I currently have 13-bean soup simmering in the crockpot. Thirteen distinct beans! It is the culinary equivalent of the Mach 5 razor.
2:43 PM Oct 19th
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