@scottsimpson They need to be more worried about vigilante justice once this costume is finished. They need to be more worried so hard.

@hellnope When did we meet?

Am I the only one who cares that all old ladies eat candy right out of the bins of loose candy in stores? They don't even look around first.

@kellyhogaboom Happy birthday!

@Moltz :|

@Moltz Nothing.

I dropped my phone on my face while texting in bed today. To see if I still feel.

Happy to be recording with @luckyshirt tonight! twitter.com/Cocktails4Two/…

Every spider you let live goes and tells its friends how friendly you are, and how easy it will be to crawl into your mouth while you sleep.

For this, my 2000th tweet, I wanted to do something totally crazy. So your mom won't be coming home tonight. There's pasta in the fridge.

I didn't expect anyone to have an opinion about that. Huh.

French Bulldogs are the cutest things that aren't supposed to exist since redheads.

I wrote a thing. luckyshirt.tumblr.com/post/172784907…

You can make some serious dead presidents as a wax sculptor.

I just want to give it all up and go backpacking through Costco.

OH SHIT MY TAMAGOTCHI

Thinking about joining a gym so I can lose all of this extra money.

@olivegarden HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The best part of waking up is shut up don't look at me.

If god wanted me to do stuff, he wouldn't have put everything so far away from my bed.