Profile_bird

Hey there! justinjewell is using Twitter.

Twitter is a free service that lets you keep in touch with people through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What's happening? Join today to start receiving justinjewell's tweets.

Already using Twitter
from your phone? Click here.

justinjewell

  1. 'A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Drunkenness: A Memoir,' by Justin Jewell about 6 hours ago from Birdhouse
  2. My neighbor told me she can see all the "sick" things I do through my bedroom window and I was like, duh, why do you think I keep it open? 6:41 PM Nov 24th from Birdhouse
  3. @phosphorescent It's the star that counts. I meant "thought." 7:30 PM Nov 23rd from web in reply to phosphorescent
  4. It's hard to find a male prostitute who will let you dress him up as 5-year-old you and burn his genitals with a curling iron like Mom did. 5:26 PM Nov 23rd from web
  5. You know it's my birthday when I eat a whole carrot cake, down a handle of Ten High, and cry myself to sleep. Or it could just be Sunday. 7:03 PM Nov 22nd from web
  6. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it does not see 'New Moon' again. 8:37 PM Nov 20th from Birdhouse
  7. Think of me and my bean bag chair as Saturn and all the empty beer bottles as rings. Then think of yourself as some other judgmental planet. 5:11 PM Nov 19th from Birdhouse
  8. Her: Did you use all the mouthwash? Me: No YOU drank all the mouthwash. Her: Drank? Me: I'm NOT slurring. 4:42 PM Nov 18th from Birdhouse
  9. Oprah's interview with Palin didn't make me hate her any less. Nor did it quell my desire to make a scandalous safe sex tape with her. 7:07 PM Nov 16th from web
  10. What've I been up to? Well, I spent last night drinking absinthe and watching goth porn before blacking out and soiling—You asked, Grandma. 4:09 PM Nov 16th from web
  11. @AnnaCY http://bit.ly/2ZuXJE + http://bit.ly/4sWe8n + http://bit.ly/SALUz = Best $90 I've ever spent. 7:04 PM Nov 15th from web in reply to AnnaCY
  12. What did you pervs think it would be a picture of? 6:11 PM Nov 15th from web
  13. http://twitpic.com/pperd - Half a foot of snow and a high of 31 degrees today. Thank god for fleece-lined vinyl chaps. 5:54 PM Nov 15th from TwitPic
  14. Quick, before my girlfriend gets home: Japanese schoolgirl or goth dominatrix? It's none of your business—JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION. 4:40 PM Nov 14th from web
  15. An open explanation/apology to the guy sitting in front of me at the Nuggets game: I could've swore the crowd was chanting "depants." 9:31 PM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  16. The way I felt today, I should have avoided that 10 minutes of Nerf indoor basketball 5 days ago. 6:14 PM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  17. In this economy, I'm diversifying my Maker's Mark investments into Kentucky Gentleman and Old Crow. 2:23 PM Nov 11th from Birdhouse
  18. My girlfriend, who informed me it was MY turn to do dishes last night, sleeps peacefully beside me. I could lean over and kil—kiss her. 1:49 AM Nov 10th from web
  19. Randy also described making jokes on Twitter. ♫ http://blip.fm/~g4sms 1:08 AM Nov 10th from Blip.fm
  20. As I aim the SoBe at the security camera and lower the Funyuns to the counter like Leonidas's shield, I declare, "TONIGHT, I DINE IN SHELL!" 6:54 PM Nov 9th from web