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justinjewell

  1. @AnnaCY http://bit.ly/2ZuXJE + http://bit.ly/4sWe8n + http://bit.ly/SALUz = Best $90 I've ever spent. about 7 hours ago from web in reply to AnnaCY
  2. What did you pervs think it would be a picture of? about 7 hours ago from web
  3. http://twitpic.com/pperd - Half a foot of snow and a high of 31 degrees today. Thank god for fleece-lined vinyl chaps. about 8 hours ago from TwitPic
  4. Quick, before my girlfriend gets home: Japanese schoolgirl or goth dominatrix? It's none of your business—JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION. 4:40 PM Nov 14th from web
  5. An open explanation/apology to the guy sitting in front of me at the Nuggets game: I could've swore the crowd was chanting "depants." 9:31 PM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  6. The way I felt today, I should have avoided that 10 minutes of Nerf indoor basketball 5 days ago. 6:14 PM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  7. In this economy, I'm diversifying my Maker's Mark investments into Kentucky Gentleman and Old Crow. 2:23 PM Nov 11th from Birdhouse
  8. My girlfriend, who informed me it was MY turn to do dishes last night, sleeps peacefully beside me. I could lean over and kil—kiss her. 1:49 AM Nov 10th from web
  9. Randy also described making jokes on Twitter. ♫ http://blip.fm/~g4sms 1:08 AM Nov 10th from Blip.fm
  10. As I aim the SoBe at the security camera and lower the Funyuns to the counter like Leonidas's shield, I declare, "TONIGHT, I DINE IN SHELL!" 6:54 PM Nov 9th from web
  11. @JohnnyChimpo Figured if it's going to happen, I'd rather just get it over with. 6:08 PM Nov 9th from web in reply to JohnnyChimpo
  12. As we made sweet love, the busty praying mantis in the blonde wig consumed my head in a single bite and thus I had my first "wet nightmare." 1:57 PM Nov 8th from web
  13. Alright, who's the joker that chloroformed me, buried me in ice, neglected to steal my kidneys but gave me ear and nose hair implants? 3:44 PM Nov 7th from web
  14. Spencer Gifts, '89. Bleached hair and pink leggings, buying a Chippendales calender. 'Me So Horny' blaring. Do you still masturbate to *me*? 3:48 PM Nov 6th from Birdhouse
  15. I have 20 minutes to get to work and the coin landed on heads, for "DO wear pants." Best 2 out of 3? 10:27 AM Nov 5th from Birdhouse
  16. Yeah, I'm squeezing by you on this crowded bus, and yeah, that's what you think it is. "Oh no pardon ME, Sister." 7:19 PM Nov 4th from Birdhouse
  17. I'm beginning to regret this ironic mustache. The mullet, not so much. 8:09 PM Nov 3rd from Birdhouse
  18. From the look on that trucker's face, you'd think he's never seen a guy playing the old "Rub One Out While Passing A Semi" driving game. 5:58 PM Nov 2nd from Birdhouse
  19. The handsaw arrived overnight but the lye still "ships in 2 to 3 days." Damn you Amazon, and damn you rotting corpse stench. 7:00 PM Nov 1st from Birdhouse
  20. Pinstripe suit: check. Blue necktie: check. Bloody nose: check. Sign that says, "Follow me at twitter.com/justinjewell": check. 4:48 PM Oct 31st from Birdhouse