We're doing this again tonight. Please come RT@UpLateWithAdam: Last Friday's monologue! youtu.be/X5eJzDNVSao

Homeless people collecting cans have disposable income.

If you go to the movies, pick a spot in the middle of your section, get to your seat early, sit quietly... tmblr.co/ZsZMSyFos47V

Stern on Letterman last night was about as good as television gets.

I ran out of cereal so for dinner last night I just settled on Veal Osso Bucco.

@davetotheross Oh are you? Then, maybe you can explain to me why you haven't starred a tweet of mine since the spring of 2010.

None of the super bowl parties I was invited to specified what type of fat free dressings will be served, if any at all.

@legallatino is worth following, y'all.

Not sure what blows my mind more, the idea of euclidean quantum gravity or women with septum piercings.

I think my delete button broke and I need to test it. Can another person from high school post on my wall to join the page for my yearbook?

Everything happens for a raisin. #FirstDaftsOfSayings

Go spend time with your girlfriends having companionship and consistent sex. I'll be here w/ the saturated fats and people from television.

You guys ever roll your windows down, pop your collar, blast the theme to Party of Five and just thank your lucky stars you're an Aries?

Come to @uplatewithadam tonight at 10:30. Paul F. Tompkins will be there as Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I guarantee I spend more time deciding on what hot sauce to buy than Katherine Heigl does on what movie to do. Both cause me indigestion.

How many times has Angelina Jolie been on the cover of Vanity Fair? That's how many handfuls of sand I want to throw in Guy Fieri's face.

Stop what you're doing and #FF RT@Hamptonyount: I just like to pretend pregnant women are just regular people who eat like snakes.

˝LADELS!˝ -- Jerry Lewis volunteering at a soup kitchen

Shia Labeouf with a handlebar mustache just held the bathroom door for me. Hopefully I'll do the same for him later so we'll be Even Stevens

Reading my stomach the screenplay to Syriana because my trainer said the best way to burn fat is by confusing your muscles.