jamesmalach
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Why, when a toddler dries winky under hot air dryer people think it's cute, but when I do the same, I get chased from the public toilets?
about 1 hour ago
via Twitter for iPhone
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Wondering why sales of our new brand of 'Short, Black & Curlies' false eyelashes are so low?
8:22 AM Aug 27th
via Twitter for iPhone
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As I enter Milton Keynes, I think of English Romantics such as Keats and Byron and receive reminder of the concept of poetic license.
4:51 AM Aug 22nd
via Twitter for iPhone
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Okay old lady, you've never met me and I've never met you, so please stop calling me 'William' and telling me how much I've grown.
8:59 AM Aug 21st
via Twitter for iPhone
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Gilbert and Sullivan. Truly the Dizzee Rascal and James Corden of the Victorian Era.
4:36 AM Aug 21st
via Twitter for iPhone
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Unsure why satnav tried to take me to Brigham, Cumbria instead of Brighton, Sussex, but whatever reason. I'm not entirely happy right now.
8:16 AM Aug 19th
via Twitter for iPhone
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Halving my workload by changing font size on todo list from 12pt to 6pt badly backfired. I now have eye-strain and migraine too.
5:42 AM Aug 19th
via web
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Emulating Ancient Romans by wearing bedsheets as toga plus broccoli laurel on my head. Lady at Starbucks said I look 'quite majestic'.
3:08 AM Aug 11th
via web
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Whilst I don't think that these are my cervical smear results, I am happy that I seem to have been given the all clear.
7:24 AM Aug 9th
via Twitter for iPhone
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Awoken from dream where I was slaughtering chickens in the middle of the road. I must have been helping them get to the other side.
2:11 AM Aug 9th
via web
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Why does the power of Jesus only manifest itself into wafers? Can't the Son Of God morph into something chocolatey. Like a Snickers?
2:14 PM Aug 5th
via web
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Aaaah... Toilet paper infused with shea butter and aloe vera. Was humankind ever supposed to experience such unmitigated decadence?
3:52 AM Aug 3rd
via web
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Next time I get the arse that someone is rudely ignoring me, I shall be checking in advance that they are not a mannequin.
8:04 AM Jul 31st
via web
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Dreamt that fuzzy-haired dictator Kim Jong Il named me as his successor after I became North Korea's first ever Pokemon Master.
1:22 AM Jul 31st
via web
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Succeeded where Mr Miyagi failed and caught fly using only chopsticks. The fact that fly was initially dead is largely irrelevant.
3:32 AM Jul 30th
via web
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Gary the spider that lives in our spare bathroom has formed unlikely alliance with Colin the rubber duck. I just caught them snogging.
7:36 AM Jul 29th
via Twitter for iPhone
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I was kept awake by the seagulls again last night. I could hear their incessant squawking no matter how many foam earplugs I chewed.
3:58 AM Jul 24th
via Twitter for iPhone
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At a motorway Travelodge in somewhere called Chippenham watching 'Peter Andre The Next Chapter' on a 14" telly. ROCK AND ROLL BAYBEE!
2:02 PM Jul 22nd
via Twitter for iPhone
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Latest scam junk mail asking me for £46,034 but guaranteeing my investment will turn me into 'a milliner'. Hats off for trying.
12:37 PM Jul 21st
via Twitter for iPhone
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Back from Clown College. Totally failed to master whip skills. Need something less likely to cause injury. Maybe fire juggling.
4:00 PM Jul 12th
via web
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- Name James Malach
- Location London
- Web http://ministryof...
- Bio Lactated milky irreverence from caffeine-addled brain udders.
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