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jackhandey

  1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone. 4:21 PM Jan 21st, 2007 from web
  2. If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting. 3:47 PM Jan 20th, 2007 from web
  3. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. 3:23 PM Jan 20th, 2007 from web
  4. If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy! 11:34 PM Jan 16th, 2007 from web
  5. I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake. 9:09 PM Jan 9th, 2007 from web
  6. ...fish with long blonde hair. 10:23 PM Jan 8th, 2007 from web
  7. People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jelly... 10:22 PM Jan 8th, 2007 from web
  8. You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in awhile. It's their way... 9:24 PM Jan 8th, 2007 from web
  9. Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend. 3:52 PM Jan 7th, 2007 from web
  10. When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different. 5:14 PM Jan 5th, 2007 from web
  11. Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is when he's going to throw his best parties. 9:36 PM Jan 4th, 2007 from web
  12. One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors. 6:58 PM Jan 4th, 2007 from web
  13. For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia. 10:38 PM Jan 3rd, 2007 from web
  14. Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain AND the dizziness. 8:37 PM Jan 3rd, 2007 from web
  15. Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings. 10:40 PM Jan 2nd, 2007 from web
  16. Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed. 7:55 PM Jan 2nd, 2007 from web