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imaginaryreview

  1. @abigvictory When I first read that I thought you said you were Miss Sacramento. I was about to congratulate you. about 1 hour ago from web
  2. Without you, I wouldn't get any @ replies. #thankyoutextism about 10 hours ago from web
  3. If life gives you melons, you're both unlucky and dyslexic. Too bad. 9:53 AM Dec 5th from web
  4. If I were to dislocate my jaw and swallow a turducken whole, would that be a huturducken? Also: where can I make this happen? 9:35 AM Dec 5th from web
  5. Apparently "Shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die" shouldn't go in the 'experience' section of one's resume. Skills it is, then. 3:19 PM Dec 4th from web
  6. I just saw a sign in the street that says "Watch for children". Sounds too good to be true. Let's see the watch first. 12:12 PM Dec 4th from web
  7. True love means never having to say "but darling, I told you about my crippling credit card debt before we married! I did! I did! Didn't I?" 11:13 AM Dec 1st from web
  8. I just discovered that my date stamp has a locking mechanism. Well, holy shit, didn't my day just improve by 3.7%. 9:57 AM Nov 30th from web
  9. So I was like, "Standard bearer? Sub-standard bearer, more like!" And that's when they threw me out of the Roman Legion. 8:37 AM Nov 30th from web
  10. My throat feels like someone was cleaning it with wire wool. Sadly, no fever, so I can't really stay off work. 5:00 AM Nov 30th from web
  11. My life is a true Cinderella story, but with the shoe replaced with underwear. 7:56 PM Nov 28th from web
  12. Tonight: Year End Party. My coworkers and my wife meeting for the first time. Expect embarrassing story one-upmanship. 11:54 AM Nov 27th from web
  13. Glenn Beck puts the "Mental" in "Fundamental lapses of Reason" 8:07 AM Nov 27th from web
  14. Woke up this morning in the "I'm a Little Tea Pot" position. There's no punchline, it really happened. 5:36 AM Nov 27th from web
  15. I'm currently writing a new sitcom called Oddballs. It's like The Odd Couple, but with testicles. 3:25 PM Nov 26th from TwitterBerry
  16. I can't help but wonder how different the story of Cinderella would have been if she only had cucumbers in her house instead of a pumpkin. 10:05 AM Nov 25th from web
  17. @simonpegg Refugee by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers #choons 9:50 AM Nov 25th from web
  18. For fuck's sake, I don't care if there's a baby inside you. For the record, my lunch was a lot more nutritious and far less creepy. 9:43 AM Nov 25th from web
  19. So how many people will be thankful for universal healthcare this weekend? Oh wait, Canadian Thanksgiving was in September... 9:26 AM Nov 25th from web
  20. Did you hear about the constipated maths teacher? His students noticed his awkward shuffles and mocked him mercilessly. Very sad. Very sad. 7:24 PM Nov 24th from web