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iamnotdiddy

  1. Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen. about 3 hours ago from UberTwitter
  2. You know what they say about Black Friday. Once you go black, you won't go back to Walmart ever again because you got crushed in a stampede. about 23 hours ago from UberTwitter
  3. Anyone got the Panda Express customer service number? They hired a white girl. That's not right. Their Corporate Legal Dept. needs to know. 12:50 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter
  4. I'm such a sucker for the kiosk girls at the mall. I just bought 300 lbs. of "Body Butter". In related news, Body Butter Party™ at my house. 9:39 AM Nov 25th from web
  5. Black Friday is a day to honor MY people... the peopleofwalmart.com. I'll be wearing the pink tutu and Michael Jackson "This Is It" t-shirt. 8:28 AM Nov 25th from web
  6. "HELP!" "What? What's going o... WTF?!" "HELP!" "Fine, but this is the last time & you're banned from peanut butter FOREVER, Grandma." 7:15 AM Nov 25th from web
  7. Last night, I prayed. In an unexpected turn of events, God answered my prayers... @MidgetStripper is now mine. 6:24 AM Nov 25th from UberTwitter
  8. Typos are my way of saying, "You write like shit." - God 3:01 PM Nov 24th from web
  9. OH SHIT! I JUST rear ended a Prius! I hope the hypocrites inside didn't spill their Fair Trade Certified ™coffee on their ChildLabor™ Nikes. 12:55 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter
  10. stampededpeopleofwalmart.com... Is that a thing? Yet? 10:51 AM Nov 24th from web
  11. Now that I have my Christmas decorations up, I can't wait to take them down. I'm dying to put up my Martin Luther King, Jr. Day decorations. 9:26 AM Nov 24th from web
  12. You are what you eat, right? I'm carbon neutral. I only eat vegans. 8:49 AM Nov 24th from web
  13. I'm going to be the first "ecofriendly" serial killer. All I need are my bare hands. Oh... and hemp rope, a composter, and vegan victims. 6:53 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter
  14. If you want the job done right, masturbate. 2:49 PM Nov 23rd from web
  15. Vision without action is like a midget without legs. Neither is worthwhile in the long run. 12:20 PM Nov 23rd from web
  16. We celebrated Thanksgiving this weekend. Apparently, I'm destined to do EVERYTHING prematurely. 7:42 AM Nov 23rd from web
  17. My manhood is slowly getting ripped from my heart. Or, in "layman's terms", I'm doing dishes. 6:58 PM Nov 22nd from web
  18. If I don't have a vagina, where did I put that dild... OH SHIT! 11:33 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter
  19. 9 out of 10 Amish people believe that Mormons are fucking crazy.* *Survey conducted June 2009 in an Amish brothel. 7:41 AM Nov 22nd from web
  20. Santa: What do you want for Christmas? My lovely daughter: A poopy baby. Santa: Huh? My daughter: A baby that poops it's pants. Like my dad! 6:51 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter