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I'd get caught immediately for murder since I can't even remember to wipe the chocolate "evidence" off the spout of the milk carton.4:34 PM Nov 8thfrom Tweetie
Sure hope I can still shop at Wegmans even though I'm not following the Saturday morning dress code of "obnoxious middle-aged woman".6:37 AM Nov 7thfrom Tweetie
Skimming through and deleting music I downloaded and never listened to. It's like throwing away full plates of food from the buffet.11:25 AM Nov 1stfrom Tweetie
Riding in a silver box with @shamelessplug and 3 drunk girls listening to "We Didn't Start The Fire".
So basically, living the life.10:42 PM Oct 23rdfrom Tweetie
Just noticed my pinky automatically pops out while drinking this Blue Moon and ow I didn't think I could punch myself in the face that hard.8:50 PM Oct 23rdfrom Tweetie
So sad that the middle-aged Jersey guy that randomly started talking to me while waiting at the bar had to leave for karaoke at Hooters.7:24 PM Oct 23rdfrom Tweetie
I can't believe David Spade agreed to make a DirecTV commercial out of a classic Tommy Boy scene. Just Shoot Me residuals must be shitty.5:49 PM Oct 22ndfrom Tweetie
All does a great job of removing week-old vodka/PBR/pizza vomit stains. Their old commercial should be redone with hipsters instead of kids.1:47 PM Oct 22ndfrom Tweetie
My 'baggy' jeans are still pretty tight but the difference is my leg hairs don't cower in terror when I take them out of the closet.7:04 AM Oct 22ndfrom Tweetie
