greg_rutter
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RT @: I am allergic to acai berries and shrimp. What are you allergic to?
about 4 hours ago
from API
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These fur jackets are so environmentally friendly.
about 5 hours ago
from Tweetie
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You can lead a cat to bed but you can't make him sleep.
about 11 hours ago
from Tweetie
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Wait, I can't tip in raffle tickets? Forget it then.
8:51 PM Dec 16th
from Tweetie
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Her: "What are you drinking?"
Me: "Butternut squash soup."
5:52 PM Dec 16th
from Tweetie
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Man just marched into Five Guys, shoveled handful after handful of their free peanuts into his Chipotle bag, turned and left. Brass. Balls.
3:42 PM Dec 16th
from Tweetie
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If you're going to be comforting a friend who's crying don't wear a wool shirt because it's really itchy and it'll just make things worse
10:34 AM Dec 16th
from Brizzly
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Other suggestions: Vera Wang, Slash, the CEO of Starbucks, and as a last resort Nicolas Cage.
8:27 AM Dec 16th
from Tweetie
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You know who would probably be a great host for a show on G4? Michelle Obama.
8:13 AM Dec 16th
from Tweetie
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Cutting your finger with a bread knife while slicing a bagel is the leading cause of death in men named Greg Rutter.
8:02 AM Dec 16th
from Tweetie
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Pretty much the best part about being a fish is getting to see all the insides of the plumbing system after you die.
7:43 AM Dec 16th
from Brizzly
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When are they finally going to bring Attila The Hun to justice? It's been nearly 2000 years.
4:55 AM Dec 16th
from Brizzly
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I hope drug manufacturers some day create a drug that allows me to zone out during the side-effects portions of drug ads.
4:47 AM Dec 16th
from Brizzly
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Don't worry guys, if you throw your shoe at your friend while he's crying on top of a church he'll feel better. Worked in my dream anyway.
4:43 AM Dec 16th
from Brizzly
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I'm considering asking for a toolbox and a new tie for Christmas this year. This means I'm an adult now, right?
7:53 PM Dec 15th
from Tweetie
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I wanted to buy a really upscale refrigerator so I got a leather one.
12:54 PM Dec 15th
from Tweetie
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The Smashing Pumpkins were right: the more you change (into a warewolf), the less you do.
11:19 AM Dec 15th
from Tweetie
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I think a great Christmas present would be a parachute.
9:37 AM Dec 15th
from Tweetie
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The phrase "soup to nuts" is a reference to the bible where Jesus turned clam chowder into a can of Brazil nuts.
9:26 AM Dec 15th
from Tweetie
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Wait a second, you can get a breakfast sandwich with sausage AND bacon? This changes everything.
7:50 AM Dec 15th
from Brizzly
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- Name Greg Rutter
- Location Brooklyn, NY
- Web http://gregrutter...
- Bio An incredibly handsome writer who is also very successful and rich.
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