gphumorist
- Getting observed by my company's VP tomorrow. Thinking of doing all my sales calls in made-up Star Wars languages, just to see what he says.5:13 PM Jul 13th from web
- There are two kinds of people in this world: People who hate Mondays and people who are dead.9:02 PM Jul 12th from web
- Going to Wildwood for a few days. Will spend roughly $82,000 trying to win my daughter a 6" stuffed Teddy Bear made from recycled napkins.6:45 PM Jul 7th from web
- My daughter turns 2 today, which means I have at least another 10 years before she really starts to hate me.8:19 AM Jul 5th from web
- When your entire neighborhood is made up of cops, "fireworks are illegal" is more of a punchline than a "law."6:39 PM Jul 3rd from web
- Watched tonight's episode of "Deadliest Catch" and remain convinced the only way I could contribute on one of those boats would be as bait.8:42 PM Jun 30th from web
- Gave my daughter a bath and we played "splash Daddy." If I were a Gremlin, there'd be 1,000 of me right now.5:59 PM Jun 29th from web
- Just finished assembling a play kitchen for my daughter. Amazing that just 2.5 hours ago, it was nothing more than 13,000 individual parts.9:06 PM Jun 28th from web
- Saw Kenney Chesney at the Linc yesterday. Concert was good. Acoustics suck. Watching drunk rednecks fall down: Always funny.8:21 AM Jun 28th from web
- Just mowed my front lawn after two weeks of rain. Discovered a tiny civilization living in one corner. Weird.3:57 PM Jun 26th from web
- I know celebrity deaths usually come in threes, but two in one day? Damn. And how the hell did Keith Richard make it through ANOTHER round?5:37 PM Jun 25th from web
- Rejoining the twittering world. Stay tuned for adventure, thrills, and cheap toilet humor, all in 140 characters or less!2:07 PM Jun 25th from web
- The best part about summer is watching red-headed children spontaneously combust.5:27 PM Jul 9th, 2008 from web
- The Fourth of July is all about celebrating the highly entertaining combination of alcohol and high explosives.7:24 AM Jul 4th, 2008 from web
- Happiness is a sure sign that nobody is doing his job.5:20 PM Jul 2nd, 2008 from web
- Plenty of men know absolutely nothing about fixing cars, including doctors, lawyers, and auto mechanics.4:52 PM Jul 1st, 2008 from web
- Dad's and grills just go together, like aloe and third-degree burns.6:32 PM Jun 29th, 2008 from web
- There are two very specific time frames in which most people don't like to exercise. In technical terms, they are called "Day" and "Night."4:59 AM Jun 28th, 2008 from web
- Macho is a Spanish word meaning, "Duh."7:35 PM Jun 26th, 2008 from web
- 90% of all people are idiots, and the other 10% are trying to sell them something.7:58 PM Jun 25th, 2008 from web
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