gordonshumway
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I like my cars like I like my men. Hybrids.
10:03 AM Nov 21st
from web
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Hello, hot guy in the gin aisle. I see you also like buying booze at 10:45 am. Why don't you come over & introduce your issues to my issues?
7:39 AM Nov 21st
from Twitterrific
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I AM @ AND I AM HERE TO SHOW YOU THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS. ERROR #1: NOT BEING @. ERROR #2: NOT ENOUGH FIBER.
1:25 PM Nov 18th
from web
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I miss the days when there were cartoon characters on cereal boxes. Now we're down to Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger and Sela Ward.
10:53 AM Nov 18th
from Brizzly
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No, honey. Although it's spelled "Moleskine", it's actually pronounced "Douche."
8:05 AM Nov 18th
from web
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I just got Rick-rolled in the grocery store. That seems fair, since I nip-rolled everyone in the frozen food section.
10:02 AM Nov 16th
from Twitterrific
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I like my chili like I like my men. Rich and meaty.
9:35 AM Nov 15th
from web
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Just threw away my McGriddle wrapper at Whole Foods. The staff would've been less horrified if I'd discarded a dead hooker instead.
8:26 AM Nov 15th
from Twitterrific
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You know you've been single too long when just *having* sex is your wildest sexual fantasy.
12:03 PM Nov 13th
from web
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SHAPE magazine says I can lose a pound by Friday! Since that's tomorrow, either they're lying or they expect me to cut off my feet.
8:20 PM Nov 12th
from Twitterrific
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No ma'am I'm not questioning your skill as a neurosurgeon. I'm just saying I wouldn't want my skull cracked open by a woman named Dolly Mae.
6:39 PM Nov 12th
from Twitterrific
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The two infants on this 5 hour flight are already shrieking so I'm already ordering overpriced booze. Babies like bourbon, right?
1:26 PM Nov 12th
from Twitterrific
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Unless you're a particularly destructive gopher, there's no reason you should have the Caddyshack theme song as your ringtone.
1:08 PM Nov 12th
from Twitterrific
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Everyone seems to know that I'm from out of town. Maybe it's my southern accent. Maybe it's because I'm dressed like the Gorton's fisherman.
11:34 AM Nov 10th
from Twitterrific
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Just because you think you put shorts on under your sweatpants doesn't mean you did. It does mean you're no longer welcome at this gym.
6:53 AM Nov 10th
from Twitterrific
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Sat down to check my email & someone gave me a dollar. Either Seattle is the nicest city ever or I really should've showered today.
5:56 PM Nov 9th
from Twitterrific
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"What else can I bring you?"
"Something to drown out the anguished cries of my dying dreams. That or the pear tart."
7:23 PM Nov 8th
from Twitterrific
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Just drank an absinthe cocktail. Tomorrow, I'll wake to discover I own a Diamonique tiara and a six month old Bulgarian infant.
6:59 PM Nov 8th
from Twitterrific
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Well, where *I'm* from, licking the empty plate is a compliment. As is the uncontrollable sobbing as you brush crumbs off your chin.
6:45 PM Nov 8th
from Twitterrific
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I've been in Seattle two hours and have already stepped in a puddle, eaten salmon & been to the Apple store. My work here is done.
2:35 PM Nov 7th
from Twitterrific
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- Name Jelisa Castrodale
- Location Under your bed.
- Web http://www.thetyp...
- Bio I've learned a lot about life by making a mess of my own.
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