gordonshumway
- I've been in Seattle two hours and have already stepped in a puddle, eaten salmon & been to the Apple store. My work here is done.2:35 PM Nov 7th from Twitterrific
- Bringing these sunglasses to Seattle showed the same kind of optimistic pointlessness as taking condoms to my senior prom.11:05 AM Nov 7th from Twitterrific
- Now boarding Delta's 8:55 Shrieking Infant Express with continuing service to Anger, Resentment & Do-It-Yourself Hysterectomies.5:28 AM Nov 7th from Twitterrific
- Does it count as a slumber party if it's just you, your dog and a chronological list of every bad decision you ever made?1:09 AM Nov 7th from web
- There are so many things I want to experience before I move from the South. Christmas at the Biltmore House. The BBQ Festival. Rickets.5:17 AM Nov 6th from web
- The sexual tension between Bones & Agent Booth is less believable than the attraction between me & this box of Oreo Cakesters.5:07 PM Nov 5th from Twitterrific
- If Jamie Lee Curtis were a cookie, she would have both chocolate chips *and* raisins.
And also a rudimentary penis.10:19 AM Nov 5th from web
- No, I haven't done anything on my To-Do list, but I did learn that I can fit 21 Teddy Grahams in my mouth at once. So there's that.9:28 AM Nov 5th from web
- The only way this World Series game could get worse is if it co-starred Rob Schnieder or wrote a song about screwing my ex-boyfriend.7:19 PM Nov 4th from Twitterrific
- Today is Sesame Street's 40th anniversary. If you've spent four decades with a hand up your ass, you're either a puppet or a politician.5:34 AM Nov 4th from web
- There's a reason ninjas don't wear corduroy.5:14 AM Nov 4th from web
- Snakes Arguing That Their Tote Will Fit in the Overhead Bin, Snakes Selected for Additional Screening, Snakes at Gate 26A 6:46 AM Nov 3rd from web
- "I've got an appointment with the world's oldest gynecologist."
"You mean a gynosaur?"
"I hate you."5:15 AM Nov 3rd from web
- Don't you judge me, Whole Foods woman. The only differences between us are that you use cloth shopping bags & I shave my armpits.10:50 AM Nov 2nd from web
- "It's OK," the naked, floppy-boobed woman said in the locker room. "We've got the same parts." Not quite. I can't play tetherball with mine.5:38 AM Nov 2nd from web
- They may have won today, but I still think most St. Louis Rams games would have the same outcome if none of the players had eyes.2:48 PM Nov 1st from web
- @ It's best with a thin candy shell.11:12 AM Nov 1st from web in reply to mtrubow
- Diabetes is 50% off today.
But it's the Fun Size kind.11:07 AM Nov 1st from web
- It's not truly Halloween until a shirtless, shrieking Jamie Lee Curtis appears simultaneously on, like, 17 channels.11:01 AM Oct 31st from web
- "You don't favorite my tweets anymore" is the new "You don't return my phone calls."7:38 AM Oct 31st from web
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- Name Jelisa Castrodale
- Location Under your bed.
- Web http://www.thetyp...
- Bio I've learned a lot about life by making a mess of my own.
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