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funnyoneliners

Remember, "I" before "E" except in Budweiser. about 9 hours ago from Birdhouse
I gave up on Computing Dating after I was stood up by two mainframes, a PC, and a laptop. RT @GiggleFlower about 9 hours ago from Twiltr
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world`s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it. RT @prissy121 about 9 hours ago from Twiltr
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? about 10 hours ago from Twiltr
The nanny was tried and convicted by a jury of au pairs. RT @wardkay about 10 hours ago from Twiltr
She: "The best dishes I cook are meatloaf and apple pie." He: "Which one is this?" about 11 hours ago from Birdhouse
People will believe anything if you whisper it. about 11 hours ago from web
I'm off for a quiet beer. Followed by fifteen noisy ones. about 13 hours ago from Birdhouse
The future is much like the present, only longer. RT @The_Troy_Show about 14 hours ago from Twiltr
My wife and I are getting along just fine right now. Shes not home. RT @JokeJockey about 15 hours ago from Twiltr
Remember my name. You'll be screaming it later. about 15 hours ago from Birdhouse
If there's ONE thing I can't stand, it's up. RT @Witsdom about 15 hours ago from Tweetie
There is nothing complex about my inferiority. RT @WadetoBlack about 16 hours ago from Twiltr
Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Admiral Crunch by now? RT @linajk about 16 hours ago from Twiltr
This fire I lit in the living room would be better if I had a fireplace. RT @therealcherilyn about 16 hours ago from Twiltr
Contents may have settled out of court... RT @forces2 about 17 hours ago from Twiltr
A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. about 17 hours ago from Birdhouse
My conscience never stops me from doing anything. It just stops me from enjoying it. about 20 hours ago from Birdhouse
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. RT @libertygirl3 about 22 hours ago from Twiltr
I sometimes feel like my brain has a mind of its own. RT @factualfiction about 22 hours ago from Twiltr