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fullsteve

  1. Why don't psychics win the lottery every week?
  2. On my walk to campus, it felt like Frosty the Snowman and Jack Frost took turns holding me down while the other one sexually assaulted me.
  3. There is no better feeling than stepping into a hot shower on a cold December morning. And no worse feeling than stepping out of it.
  4. I believe in capital punishment for people who continuously push the walk button while waiting for the light to change.
  5. I have been browsing pictures on peopleofwalmart.com for an hour trying to find the best one. Then, I realized...they're all the best one.
  6. I have never seen a Snausage in a Blanket that I didn't want to devour.
  7. Nothing is more heartwarming than a mass text message to everyone in your address book wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving.
  8. How do you throw away a garbage can?
  9. There is a reality TV show on VH1 called "Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew." A dozen sex addicts living together in a house can't possibly go wrong.
  10. Every time I see a lone glove lying on the sidewalk or nestled in the bushes, I still think of O.J. Simpson.
  11. For the longest time, I thought a "five finger discount" meant performing a specific sexual favor in order to get something for free.
  12. Choosing a shopping cart at the grocery store is overwhelming. What if I choose the one with a broken wheel? Or the sticky handle?
  13. Is anything better than a cancelled meeting? It's like finding an extra hour of life. Sometimes I schedule meetings just to cancel them.
  14. We experience daylight savings time every year. And yet, every year, I think it's so weird when it gets dark before 6:00pm.
  15. What if I put the recipient's address as the return address and didn't use a stamp? Isn't that a major loophole in the postal system?
  16. I used to be addicted to hand sanitizer. To me, H1N1 is like placing a bottle of top shelf liquor in front of an alcoholic.
  17. On my first attempt, I always put my fitted sheet on the wrong way. On my second attempt, it's still wrong. How is that possible?
  18. They say money can't buy happiness. But money can buy a boat. You ever seen an unhappy person on a boat? Not possible.
  19. I wonder if Purell released the Swine Flu into our world.
  20. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.