fireland
Can't find a greeting card that says "I'm sorry your wife died giving birth to my son." Oh whatever, I'll just send a funny balloon.
| fireland Besott'd with Mudslides, I did Fondle our serving wench's milk wagons, and I am once again Banishèd from Thank G-d It's Friday's. |
|
| fireland Only been unemployed for a week but already I'm watching the iCarly marathon, nude, smelling like a diaper filled with old beer and despair. |
|
| fireland I keep accidentally getting Tom of Finland toothpaste instead of Tom's of Maine. It makes me feel fresh but also ... confused. |
|
| fireland Tim Gunn made me cry when he said my "I Heart Virgins" t-shirt looked "more shabby than chic," but it was a cleansing sort of cry, I guess. |
|
| fireland Sorry for the misunderstanding, but I LITERALLY need help getting my hand out of the garbage disposal. Aw, you even put on makeup. |
|
| fireland Rad day at the mailbox. Got the new issue of American Pandaphiliac and my customized rubber stamp that says I SAID I WAS SORRY SO WHATEVER. |
|
| fireland I might take your suicide note more seriously if you spelled my URL right. |
|
| fireland Turns out a two-week vacation to the Ronald McDonald House is not as fun as it sounds. And those kids are TERRIBLE at Jenga. |
|
| fireland e s k i m o |
|
| fireland My therapist says I can no longer refer to what Daddy did to me as "smurfing." |
|
| fireland Yes the sunrise is beautiful but it's time to put your lederhosen back on and get the hell off my Slip 'n Slide. You knew what this was. |
|
| fireland Going to a bat mitzvah so I put on my old Hammer pants. But they're sort of snug in the crotch now? Should I maybe go to the emergency room? |
|
| fireland I never should've mentioned my high school on Facebook. Surely there's a statute of limitations on paying for abortions? |
|
| fireland Perfect day to take the kids to the park, throw the frisbee around, have a beer, wander off, move to a different state, never call. |
|
| fireland Staging a coup over here today: http://dooce.com/ |
|
| fireland Tore shit up at the baby shower, as per usual. Rode the crazy train to Boone's Farm and deflowered that Diaper Genie in the worst way. |
|
| fireland Where I come from, ass cleavage is still cleavage and should be celebrated. PS where I come from is the crawl space under my Nana’s shack. |
|
| fireland More like a moonless winter night on Cannery Row than a fresh spring day. Thanks for nothing, Massengill. |
|
| fireland Just downed two communion wafers with a jigger of Early Times but I still feel bad about what I did to that dog. |
|