fireland
- What? I'm not crying. Was I crying? I'm sorry, I don't even realize it anymore. No, no, your PowerPoint is really good, please continue.10:16 AM Jul 10th from web
- Gosh, the kids are growing up so fast. Anyway, back to Bejeweled.9:41 AM Jul 9th from Birdhouse
- Look, I don't have $350 but I DO have this coupon good for one week of doing the dishes! C'mon, hookers have to be flexible in this economy.11:06 AM Jul 8th from web
- Dude, I wouldn't trade my very hairy chest for anything. Except maybe a moment's respite from the terrible pain of being alive.11:01 AM Jul 7th from web
- Time for a new car. The old one is filled with speeding tickets, empty bottles of vanilla extract, and some kid who wants a ride to school.10:36 AM Jul 6th from web
- Almost a week since the Gay Pride Parade and I'm still finding sequins in my underwear and runaways on my futon.11:42 AM Jul 3rd from web
- "Either that foosball table goes or I go." Her exact words! GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL9:11 AM Jul 2nd from web
- This chick threw her drink in my face but I caught most of it in my mouth so it's like yay free cosmo I win I'm the winner here goddammit.10:17 AM Jul 1st from web
- Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.10:08 AM Jun 30th from Birdfeed
- I'm in the front yard, running through the sprinklers. I feel like a kid again. A crying, drunk, naked, hairy kid.9:42 AM Jun 29th from Birdhouse
- Dear guy in front of me buying a crossbow and frozen taquitos: Do you want to be friends y/n. Did you know I have Point Break on DVD.11:29 AM Jun 26th from web
- I guess this is just another one of my little quirks but I HATE it when Mom tries to high-five me while we're watching gay porn.11:05 AM Jun 25th from web
- If I give my son the same neuroses my dad gave me, we'll only have to pay for one therapist! Plus he looks so cute in that little dress.2:03 PM Jun 24th from Birdhouse
- By mid-afternoon, the kiddie pool is basically just Bud Ice and pee.9:58 AM Jun 23rd from Birdhouse
- My wife asked if I would always be faithful to her. I shrugged. I wiped some mayo off my Slipknot shirt with a dryer sheet.12:19 PM Jun 22nd from web
- I shower, shave, floss. I find a good street corner. I take a cleansing breath and don my cellphone costume. And I wave, by god. I WAVE.3:12 PM Jun 19th from web
- We can't afford cable because your mother wanted Botox, so we're just going to sit here and watch her terrifying eyebrows for entertainment.2:00 PM Jun 18th from web
- I'm sorry I befouled your wedding dress but it got me out of jury duty so whatever.9:57 AM Jun 17th from web
- Baby, I'm gonna open up that big wardrobe and journey into your vast, icy wonderland--hey, come back! I thought you liked that Narnia shit!10:01 AM Jun 16th from web
- Dropped the boy off at summer camp and got a little emotional. I think the Germans call this emotion schadenfreude.10:41 AM Jun 15th from Birdhouse
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