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fireland

  1. I had a date with the internet last night! It called me a fagit and then made me watch The Wire :( 1:06 PM May 31st via web
  2. Can a man get pregnant LET ME FINISH from sitting on a pregnant lady's toilet? Wikipedia says yes but I really need the answer to be no. 7:43 PM May 30th via web
  3. Go to the grocery store or drink cooking sherry until I'm OK with eating a wheat tortilla dunked in Italian dressing? 3:19 PM May 29th via web
  4. [I proffer my Darth Maul Pez dispenser.] Would you like some Pez? Have some Pez. [You wake up two days later in a Bangkok sex restaurant.] 9:24 AM May 24th via web
  5. If I make my therapist cry one more time I get a free froyo! 8:05 PM May 21st via web
  6. My pants "accidentally" fell down and everyone at the AA meeting saw my Wonder Woman underoos. My sponsor gave me a solemn thumbs up. 7:40 PM May 14th via web
  7. Class, your assignment is to gaze upon my buttocks and facebook or blogger the feelings they give you. 7:40 PM Apr 27th via web
  8. I was at my high school reunion, in the girls' bathroom, feverishly shoving donuts in my mouth when it hit me: Life's pretty rad, you guys. 7:48 PM Apr 26th via web
  9. Suicide note looking a little skimpy? Courier New that shit! 5:19 PM Apr 25th via web
  10. Back to work on my memoir! What's the sound effect for when you break your stepson's heart? Right now I've got KABLORKY 6:50 PM Apr 24th via web
  11. I pry her wedding ring from my cheek, get my fake passport from the toilet tank and buy a one way ticket anywhere there's a Trader Joe's. 8:04 PM Apr 23rd via web
  12. The only thing worse than the whimper of a dying puppy is someone looking at you while they sing. 8:10 PM Apr 19th via web
  13. Until email lets me dot my i's with little boobies, I'm sticking with good ol Erasermate. 8:02 PM Apr 17th via web
  14. Feeling lonesome? Drive a rental car into any prom in the world and shriek WHO WANTS TO SMOKE DRUGS AND LISTEN TO RAPPING 9:51 PM Apr 16th via web
  15. The worst thing about being a straight white man is my poetry sucks. 5:47 PM Apr 13th via web
  16. According to the feedback cards, 80% of the ladies who bone me do so solely for the free McDonalds after :( 9:33 PM Apr 12th via web
  17. The sexy nuns will be here any minute and I still haven't furiously scrubbed the Cheetos dust off my junk!!! 8:22 PM Apr 11th via web
  18. The party was kinda dead until NATALIE MERCHANT BASS DROP and lo the boyshorts did hit the shag. 8:37 PM Apr 10th via web
  19. Um yeah that's cool, no yeah I'm still interested, I'm just wondering what your ratio of "she" to "male" is? 11:05 AM Apr 9th via web
  20. Top 3 Easter Memories! 1) Nana ruins church with her smells! 2) Dad makes a merkin out of fake grass and fires a gun! 3) That's it! 6:34 PM Apr 6th via web