fireland
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Dad loved the holidays. He'd wear a Santa beard as a merkin, smoke some mistletoe, and watch White Christmas over and over in stony silence.
about 6 hours ago
from web
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I'll never forget Grampa's last words: Touch every boob you can, never let a Jew babysit your kid and OH GOD OH THE TERRIBLE LIGHT
7:31 PM Dec 16th
from Birdhouse
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It seems like the Christmas tree gets thrown into the street in an eggnog-fueled rage earlier and earlier every year.
11:02 PM Dec 15th
from web
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Say, that reminds me of a little ditty—hey! Who smashed my ukulele and backup ukulele?
10:47 AM Dec 14th
from web
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After sexing a lady, I like to blast "We Are The Champions" to drown out the sarcastic clapping.
10:05 AM Dec 11th
from web
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Yes, I fed my kid a can of Folgers. But look how happy she is, riding the dog down the street, shrieking obscenities.
11:11 AM Dec 10th
from web
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There's nothing in the fridge except creamy Italian dressing and a jar of pickles. I close the blinds. I put Sade on the hi-fi.
11:11 AM Dec 9th
from web
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Your wife LITERALLY exploded with rage? Um yeah did you know that "literally" means—oh god, oh my god what happened in here
11:27 AM Dec 8th
from web
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Four hundred dollars. Three strippers. Two robots. One crazy night.
My Christmas list sounds like a pretty good 80s movie, you guys!
2:57 PM Dec 7th
from web
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Like many Americans, I had to take a second job to put my mistress through high school.
2:02 PM Dec 4th
from web
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Got my Christmas shopping done early! It's easy when the only thing the kids ask for is one moment of respite from all my goddamn bullshit.
12:48 PM Dec 3rd
from web
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Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"?
10:22 AM Dec 2nd
from web
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You took so long showering and drinking and crying and cutting yourself that I'm not even in the mood anymore.
2:38 PM Dec 1st
from web
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I joined the KKK for the homophobia but stayed for the anonymous gay sex.
1:32 PM Nov 30th
from web
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I'm already 350 pounds, sleeping in my car, and doing a lot of speed. Do I really need to get some kind of special license to be a trucker?
12:59 PM Nov 19th
from web
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You never forget the first time your daughter beats you at Candyland and calls you her fat bitch.
10:10 AM Nov 18th
from web
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I wrote you a haiku / But it had no grace / I wrote you a sonnet / But ran out of space / Anyway here's a drawing of a penis on your face
9:47 AM Nov 17th
from web
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Can anyone recommend a therapist who won't "freak out" when you get naked and cuddle with them like you do with your uncle?
10:15 AM Nov 16th
from web
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Made my son dress up in my daughter's clothes and have a tea party with me. He got a Happy Meal, I got a nice Friday night, win-win.
4:21 PM Nov 13th
from web
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You think your wife would have an affair with someone who's not very good at sex? She's probably not super picky at this point, right?
5:30 PM Nov 12th
from web
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