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FarkerPeaceboy

  1. My trainer was very encouraging today. He said if I keep working and stay with the program, in two weeks I should be down another bra size. 3:02 PM May 22nd via web
  2. Jesus, who I gotta fuckin' blow to get one of those goddamned Purity Rings? Want. 10:03 AM May 22nd via web
  3. I saw Metallica on the cover of Rolling Stone and thought it was 1992. Then I realized I still get Rolling Stone and thought it was 1982. 11:39 AM May 19th via web
  4. I hate whenever some arrogant, selves-centered schizophrenic athlete refers to himselves in the third, fourth, fifth and sixth persons. 7:45 AM May 18th via web
  5. @MagicJohnson, don't forget the @Angels have somehow won 3 straight, and Albert Pujols has finally caught up with Dee Gordon in home runs. 2:11 PM May 8th via web in reply to MagicJohnson
  6. Peacemom: "Would you like a banana?" Me: "Sure." Peacemom: "You'll like it, it's just your size." Me: ??? 3:04 PM May 6th via web
  7. Kinda glad I'm not on the coast today. I'm afraid the call of my "song of the whale" intestinal rumblings could beach a 70,000-pound mammal. 1:59 PM May 1st via web
  8. Is there a phobia for bumping the nozzle in the shower and instantly freezing/scalding yourself and, most important, are there drugs for it? 8:15 AM Apr 30th via web
  9. Everytime I go to Trader Joe's I get excited thinking I'll see a werewolf drinking a piña colada, realize my mistake and curse Warren Zevon. 10:06 AM Apr 18th via web
  10. Things will really get tough for Romney after the Convention when he and his VP nom have to campaign door-to-door across the US on bicycles. 12:52 PM Apr 17th via web
  11. My Tax Day Schedule: 1) Render unto Caesar. 2) Stay for dinner. 3) Render unto Caesar's salad. 9:38 AM Apr 16th via web
  12. I thought they released Oscar-caliber films in November/December? Pretty sure the "Three Stooges" marketing strategy is going to backfire. 11:47 AM Apr 14th via Twitter for iPhone
  13. "I like when shirt colors are named after foods, so when you spill that food nobody really notices," I say to myself, in my oatmeal shirt. 8:16 AM Apr 9th via web
  14. Talk about opportunism. One's been dead and one's been risen just a few hours, but CBS News is rerunning Mike Wallace's Jesus interview. 8:25 AM Apr 8th via Twitter for iPhone
  15. Seriously, roasted squirrel and pine bark at the concession stand for "The Hunger Games"? That's taking marketing tie-ins too far. 6:42 PM Mar 24th via Twitter for iPhone
  16. The Hunger Games is popular because there's a character for everyone to relate to. Me, I was the first to die seconds after the games began. 9:43 AM Mar 20th via web
  17. Thank you, manager at Vons, for your non-judgmentalism when I asked you "which aisle is the liquor?" at 8:30 this morning. 8:56 AM Mar 20th via web
  18. Suggestion for Romney and a new Southern strategy: Googlebomb your name as something gross like blood in semen. That seems to play in Dixie. 7:46 PM Mar 13th via Twitter for iPhone
  19. If any soldiers who stormed the beach at Normandy had a stutter, I hope they didn't think we were mocking them when we called it D-Day. 10:49 PM Mar 7th via web
  20. Santorum's giving a speech right now from a high school gym? All his supporters still working on their GED must think he's a snob. 6:26 PM Mar 6th via web