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fakejasonboyett

  1. Headed out to disinfect my pigs. I only WISH that were a metaphor. 12:29 PM Apr 30th from web
  2. Give a man a sandwich and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to track jungle cats with a spear and he will likely get seriously injured. 9:46 AM Apr 21st from web
  3. Turns out "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" is just a saying. Would have been helpful to know during that emergency surgery. 6:09 AM Apr 16th from web
  4. I try to say something profound/mystical in almost every conversation. That way, when I die, there's a good chance my last words = awesome. 2:42 PM Apr 14th from web
  5. While technically you CAN bolt together two machetes to make scissors, the people at the ribbon-cuttings are never as into it as you are. 12:27 PM Apr 14th from web
  6. Just finished a 3-mile run. Cold and windy outside, so I did it in my dining room. Only 12,437 laps around my table! 8:15 AM Apr 7th from web
  7. One of my biggest mistakes in life? Eating that lamb-and-onions churro in Monterrey in 1999. Sometimes I still hear the weeping of my colon. 10:29 AM Apr 3rd from web
  8. Fading in and out of consciousness. TOTALLY didn't see that diving board. Then again, the municipal pool is not the best place to Jet Ski. 10:10 AM Apr 3rd from web
  9. Just learned a valuable lesson: Fish oil is best taken as an internal supplement, rather than applied externally as a lotion. 11:16 AM Apr 2nd from web
  10. For those of you thinking, "Huh, that Conficker worm was kind of a non-event" I have one thing to say: You're welcome. 10:36 AM Apr 2nd from web
  11. The pilot replaced my parachute with a self-inflating raft. April Fools! he shouted as I plummeted to earth. Good thing I landed in a river. 1:15 PM Apr 1st from web
  12. Might as well reveal this today: I am not a fictional character in @jasonboyett 's imagination. I am real. 11:03 AM Apr 1st from web
  13. Well, that was a nice rave. Still cleaning bubbles out of my hair and, oddly, everything I see is tinted pink. But still: awesome. 5:13 AM Mar 26th from web
  14. Next week I turn 34. For the third time. Don't ask. I can't answer, due to the non-disclosure agreement those scientists made me sign. 7:05 AM Mar 25th from web
  15. In moral crisis, some ask What would Jesus do? In danger, some ask What would MacGyver do? In both cases I ask: What would Mr. Belvedere do? 6:41 AM Mar 25th from web
  16. Everyone loves the smell of freshly cut grass. No one loves the smell of freshly cut koala. Please discuss. 1:22 PM Mar 17th from web
  17. Just turned Oprah down. 11:53 AM Mar 12th from web
  18. When I lose things, I always check with the gypsy vagabonds who live in our basement. They're not thieves; I just forget stuff around them. 7:17 AM Mar 12th from web
  19. Re: Madoff pleading guilty. Just realized they've been saying PONzie scheme. Not FONZIE scheme. I'd wondered what Henry Winkler did wrong. 6:16 AM Mar 12th from web
  20. They tell me that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. That's true. You also can't teach an old dog to touch-type, because of its paws. 5:28 AM Mar 12th from web