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ewp

  1. Yesterday at Target I saw a man gesture at a dish set and say to a little boy, “Case in point, man. Case in fucking point."9:58 AM Oct 30th from web
  2. @silentmouth Fun, true, but I forgot about pheromones. My house will be choked with the putrid haze of cat-sized ant stink.12:16 PM Oct 21st from web in reply to silentmouth
  3. I’d be all, “Ant?” and Ant would be all, “What?” like he was there the whole time. No, Ant, I know you were just in the other room.6:17 AM Oct 21st from web
  4. Sometimes I think I'd like a pet ant the size of a cat, but its extreme speed might freak me out.6:17 AM Oct 21st from web
  5. @chriscope Relax. When I die, I plan to be encased in amber and shipped to you, along with some depleted uranium and a signed photo of Cher.11:42 AM Oct 15th from web in reply to chriscope
  6. @klarson OK, but I hope you like body odor, unprovoked outrage, casual knits and delusions of grandeur. Because that’s me in a nutshell.12:09 PM Oct 14th from web in reply to klarson
  7. @chriscope You know what WOULD hold up on the Underground Railroad? Dill pickle potato chips in Tupperware. Seal in the crunch, etc.11:39 AM Oct 14th from web in reply to chriscope
  8. Why do people try to act so cool? Stupid. I'm the only truly cool person, and I think it shows. Just ripped a crotch hole in my only pants.2:02 PM Oct 12th from web
  9. Elf cheese is like people cheese but it’s made from tiny cows that live underwater. I saw it on Dateline NBC.1:25 PM Sep 29th from web
  10. Calmly drinking a beverage. Don’t try to outthink me.12:32 PM Sep 29th from web
  11. @chriscope I also took your Family Circus Word Finds and your Appalachian fancy clogs.1:30 PM Sep 28th from web in reply to chriscope
  12. My eyes hurt, and not just because I was staring at a can of black beans, trying to move it with my mind. Some other reason.12:47 PM Sep 28th from web
  13. @chriscope It’s a deep, quiet, electrifying rage. You’re the Orson Welles of indignant carpet scrubbing.12:44 PM Sep 24th from web in reply to chriscope
  14. @chriscope Thinking of you with beige carpet makes me anxious. I know there’s a scowling spray bottle of carpet cleaner lurking nearby.10:27 AM Sep 24th from web in reply to chriscope
  15. @chriscope If I had a foghorn I’d freelance, mostly using the horn to drown out questions like “What exactly do you DO for a living?”9:53 AM Sep 23rd from web in reply to chriscope
  16. It’s coincidental that I own 2 lighthouse mugs. At best I find lighthouses tedious; at worst they fill me with profound, untethered rage.8:50 AM Sep 23rd from web
  17. Nobody noticed my stupid new U.S. Light House Service mug. I've been drinking out of it for three days and not a word.8:09 AM Sep 23rd from web
  18. Cheesecake for breakfast, chocolate cake for lunch. I feel like a million bucks.12:35 PM Sep 22nd from web
  19. If the zombie shit goes down, I want to be remembered as someone who was uninterested in parfaits that involve spanish peanuts.12:46 PM Sep 10th from web
  20. Need sugar for tea. Dilemma: do I buy organic sugar for $1.69/lb or conventional sugar for .59/lb? Is this what killed Michael Jackson?9:33 AM Aug 4th from web