ewp
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Manwich time.
10:30 AM Nov 19th
from web
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@ Shit, am I the first to suggest you paste the Dalai Lama on your vision board? Also a beach and the word “PEACE?” Fuck yeah!
12:57 PM Nov 16th
from web
in reply to klarson
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Yesterday at Target I saw a man gesture at a dish set and say to a little boy, “Case in point, man. Case in fucking point."
9:58 AM Oct 30th
from web
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@ Fun, true, but I forgot about pheromones. My house will be choked with the putrid haze of cat-sized ant stink.
12:16 PM Oct 21st
from web
in reply to silentmouth
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I’d be all, “Ant?” and Ant would be all, “What?” like he was there the whole time. No, Ant, I know you were just in the other room.
6:17 AM Oct 21st
from web
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Sometimes I think I'd like a pet ant the size of a cat, but its extreme speed might freak me out.
6:17 AM Oct 21st
from web
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@ Relax. When I die, I plan to be encased in amber and shipped to you, along with some depleted uranium and a signed photo of Cher.
11:42 AM Oct 15th
from web
in reply to chriscope
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@ OK, but I hope you like body odor, unprovoked outrage, casual knits and delusions of grandeur. Because that’s me in a nutshell.
12:09 PM Oct 14th
from web
in reply to klarson
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@ You know what WOULD hold up on the Underground Railroad? Dill pickle potato chips in Tupperware. Seal in the crunch, etc.
11:39 AM Oct 14th
from web
in reply to chriscope
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Why do people try to act so cool? Stupid. I'm the only truly cool person, and I think it shows. Just ripped a crotch hole in my only pants.
2:02 PM Oct 12th
from web
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Elf cheese is like people cheese but it’s made from tiny cows that live underwater. I saw it on Dateline NBC.
1:25 PM Sep 29th
from web
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Calmly drinking a beverage. Don’t try to outthink me.
12:32 PM Sep 29th
from web
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@ I also took your Family Circus Word Finds and your Appalachian fancy clogs.
1:30 PM Sep 28th
from web
in reply to chriscope
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My eyes hurt, and not just because I was staring at a can of black beans, trying to move it with my mind. Some other reason.
12:47 PM Sep 28th
from web
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@ It’s a deep, quiet, electrifying rage. You’re the Orson Welles of indignant carpet scrubbing.
12:44 PM Sep 24th
from web
in reply to chriscope
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@ Thinking of you with beige carpet makes me anxious. I know there’s a scowling spray bottle of carpet cleaner lurking nearby.
10:27 AM Sep 24th
from web
in reply to chriscope
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@ If I had a foghorn I’d freelance, mostly using the horn to drown out questions like “What exactly do you DO for a living?”
9:53 AM Sep 23rd
from web
in reply to chriscope
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It’s coincidental that I own 2 lighthouse mugs. At best I find lighthouses tedious; at worst they fill me with profound, untethered rage.
8:50 AM Sep 23rd
from web
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Nobody noticed my stupid new U.S. Light House Service mug. I've been drinking out of it for three days and not a word.
8:09 AM Sep 23rd
from web
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Cheesecake for breakfast, chocolate cake for lunch. I feel like a million bucks.
12:35 PM Sep 22nd
from web
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