essentially_me
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The carbon dating scene just isn't for me.
All my dates want to do is lie there and play "has been dead for thousands of years."
about 13 hours ago
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Cocks And Cream
about 16 hours ago
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At least she didn't chop off Tiger's Wood.
about 17 hours ago
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Teaching the properties of Air and Flight in Science proves that my mind is in constant gutter mode when I talk about drag, lift & thrust.
about 17 hours ago
from Brizzly
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I guess Tiger Woods thought it was worth a shot to see if anyone would notice he'd switched his ball-washer to one who gave blow jobs too.
about 18 hours ago
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Advent Day 4:
"Joey, I'm craving goat's milk."
"It's late."
"The sun dial .."
"I'M NOT MILKING A GOAT FOR YOU AT THIS POSITION OF THE SUN!"
about 19 hours ago
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Thanks to my clock radio, unfortunate timing and God's love of practical jokes, I now know all of the lyrics to Britney's new song "3."
3:19 AM Dec 2nd
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Dismount is not just half a mountain in Ebonics Land.
3:08 AM Dec 2nd
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7:15 PM Dec 1st
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Advent Day 3:
"I feel fat. Do I look fat, Joseph?"
"Nice try. Like I'd answer THAT knowing you can sit on me and cut off my circulation."
3:45 PM Dec 1st
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The 60's called. It took longer than usual because it was a rotary phone. By the time it rung I had already taken a call with the 70's.
4:06 AM Dec 1st
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I love those birthday reminders on Facebook.
I now know that the last guy I slept with turns 25 tomorrow, and, oh, I'm also a pedophile.
7:05 PM Nov 30th
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I really don't see the problem here.
Whenever I want to help somebody, I always beat their face in with a golf club.
4:09 PM Nov 30th
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Advent Day 2:
"I know you have to be a virgin 'til this kid's born but you can do other stuff right? I'm a carpenter with calloused hands!"
3:14 PM Nov 30th
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I hate how the Christmas tree is a daily reminder that I, too, will be bottom heavy by the time January rolls around.
4:18 AM Nov 30th
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I bet the men who participated in Movember are happy it's nearly over because now someone will fuck them again.
7:43 PM Nov 29th
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I'm putting up the Christmas tree, but the damn star keeps falling off.
Kind of like on Twitter.
6:42 PM Nov 29th
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"A partridge in a pear tree? Turtle doves? LORDS-A-LEAPING?! Where the fuck are you going to fit all this shit? Our garage isn't that big!!"
3:07 PM Nov 29th
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Advent Day 1:
"Wow, Mary, you're HUGE! You think God accidentally stuck a whale embryo in you?"
"Shut up, or I'll tell God to smite you."
12:39 PM Nov 29th
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If Santa truly has been watching me all year, then he'll know that what I really need is a new pillow that I can cry into.
10:54 AM Nov 29th
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- Name Essentially Me
- Location Canada
- Bio Enjoys lunges and squats.
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