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eoporto

  1. I'm thankful that my family drinks. And also, for my family. 10:29 AM Nov 26th from web
  2. Talking to my baby brother about girls he's hooked up with is sobering even with this glass of wine in my hand. 6:01 PM Nov 25th from web
  3. I plan deliciously confirming stereotypes by spending the afternoon in the kitchen and barefoot. 10:03 AM Nov 25th from TinyTwitter
  4. It's good that my ipod died and I had to listen to the radio. How else would I realize I still know all the words to a Ja-Rule song? 7:10 PM Nov 24th from TinyTwitter
  5. Seeing a typo at the exact moment it's too late to fix is my super useless power 1:56 PM Nov 24th from mobile web
  6. The worst part if that when he changed the subject to fisting I answered for serious. 1:53 PM Nov 24th from mobile web
  7. Going out to lunch during work seemed brilliant until I got back and realized this isn't Mad Men and my nonexistent office lacks a sofa. 11:05 AM Nov 24th from TinyTwitter
  8. Can we skip the part where I listen and offer advice that you ignore, and you just call me when the whole mess has sorted itself out? 1:31 PM Nov 23rd from web
  9. If pouting got things done, my productivity would be unmatchable. 8:23 AM Nov 23rd from web
  10. The moment between "a photo of you has been tagged on Facebook" and seeing said photo can often seem like the onset of a heart attack. 1:05 PM Nov 22nd from web
  11. The fact that scented tampons exist and meanwhile all the inventions from Willy Wonka are still fictional makes me hate science. 7:51 AM Nov 21st from web
  12. Car at stop light was blaring Jackson 5 while I pumped gas. Totally danced, in homage to the Aerosmith video, but less sexy & more silly. 3:13 PM Nov 20th from TinyTwitter
  13. Best thing about classic rock songs in commercials is the look people get when you say you only know the songs of their youth from an ad. 12:43 PM Nov 20th from web
  14. Looks like I'll be taking 3 Advil every 3.5 hours today. WHATEVER KIDNEYS, GO YELL AT OUR STUPID UTERUS. 7:13 AM Nov 19th from web
  15. Today we're spelling PMS as trying not to cry at work. HAHAHAHORMONES. 8:10 AM Nov 18th from web
  16. Your ignorant rhetoric isn't any more palatable because it's got a liberal slant. 12:03 PM Nov 17th from web
  17. I thought I saw an earthworm on the sidewalk and was like LOL WUT. But then I remembered it's November in NYC and realized it was string. 3:22 PM Nov 16th from TinyTwitter
  18. G-chat's "never show on my contact list" is my ULTIMATE power move in passive-aggressive behavior. 12:17 PM Nov 16th from web
  19. Let's be honest. "I'm just really busy right now" is polite for "I don't really give a fuck about you" 1:10 PM Nov 15th from web
  20. Confession: I end enough texts with xoxoxo that my phone autocorrects when I forget the last o. 10:52 PM Nov 14th from TinyTwitter