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emmets

  1. If only there were a way to disseminate this funny "If only there were a way" joke and if only oh god time warp.
  2. Dear douchebag eating out with his family but still wearing a fucking earpiece: you're not promoting much synergy with your three kids.
  3. It's is humid in Boston. Humid humid HUMID. No, ma'am, I do not want a moist towelette. THE AIR IS MY MOIST TOWELETTE.
  4. In The Heights: Absolutely amazing not just for the score, dancing, rapping, singing but also as a love letter to NYC, best city on Earth.
  5. OH at Yankees Stadium when Ortiz goes up to bat: "STICK A NEEDLE IN YOUR ASS."
  6. Also: the boombox that dude was carrying? Bigger than the "plane" I took to Denver.
  7. Hey dude carrying the huge boombox through Times Square? The 70s called and I couldn't even hear them over the 50 Cent you were blaring.
  8. Still can't believe the giant rotating lobster sign at the Times Square Red Lobster is bigger than the "plane" I flew in to Denver.
  9. Guess where I am? Hint: I just saw a black guy try — and fail — to get a taxi.
  10. To the person who has occupied the front-car bathroom for the entire duration of my 4 hour train ride: My heart goes out to you.
  11. TRADE: Give me a holographic Japanese Charizard card and I'll give you 15 reasons why a piece of paper and foil shouldn't be worth hundreds.
  12. One of the extremely hairy Tarmac workers at Denver Airport is wearing a cowboy hat. Keep it cowboy, Denver.
  13. Got a few hours to kill before next flight. I hope it's a real plane this time instead of a couple of jets bolted to a PT Cruiser.
  14. Landed in Denver, city of copious body hair.
  15. Hey, lone flight attendant? You really don't need the intercom. I'm sure the other three people on this "plane" can hear you just fine.
  16. Whoa, whoa, wait. THAT'S my plane? It's like a stretch Hummer with wings.
  17. You know when you get into a car that has been baking in the sun all day? Today's like that, only EVERYWHERE and with NO A/C.
  18. This is how hot it is: You cannot cook an egg on the pavement. Because the pavement is ON FIRE.
  19. I can't do anything impressive with my tongue. Ladies. ...Ladies?
  20. @scottsimpson Alright let's do this: http://bit.ly/16QO2E