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dustandair

  1. RT @elibraden: In the early 90s, Michael J. Fox channeled his love of epic Old English poetry into the little-seen "Teen Beowolf".
  2. To those families who stuff their turkeys in all holes: you people are sick.
  3. Correction: Your mother is not being "stuffed like a turkey"; turkeys are only stuffed in one hole. We regret the error.
  4. RT @SamGrittner: Real men have biological glocks.
  5. Hitchcock wanted the title to be South By Northwest, but the studio decided to go another direction with it.
  6. I'm working on a reboot of the knock-knock joke franchise. What's the onomatopoeia for a ringtone?
  7. You know you're head-over-heels in love when your girlfriend likes giving blowjobs even more than shopping for shoes.
  8. The elusive cowdozer is usually found in her burrow suckling her young or, rarely, grazing in quarries or dried riverbeds.
  9. Just got spam from #CERN: Click Here for Disc0unt LHC: She wnts u have bigger collider; try now big bang guaranteed!!1!
  10. I don't get why banks have safety deposit boxes. Why can't they have bathrooms like everyone else?
  11. Mustache rides are a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Support Proposition 69 and ban gay mustache rides!
  12. Friends come and go, but videos of them doing so last forever.
  13. A man walks into a bar with two queues, gets in one, gets to the front, and asks for gin. The bartender says, "This is the punch line."
  14. Are we really getting a new moon? I hope we recycle the old one.
  15. I'm not saying I invented fisting, but I had a hand in it.
  16. RT @benfrancis: Today I decided to go around groping men. I don't know why, I was just feeling nuts.
  17. Snowman's parents are always asking when he's going to meet an ice girl and get married.
  18. I hate finding out I misunderstood a word or phrase for years, like "killing them with kindness" - boy, did I have that wrong.
  19. If word gets out that #peggparty is offering free carnival games and rides, the media is going to have a field day.
  20. The phrase "jet set lifestyle", coined in the 1950s, lost much of its cachet as toy plane collecting became more affordable.