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United States
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diegoalexander

  1. Everybody laughs at me when I ask them to teach me how to tell when a fruit is rape enough to eat.
  2. So I was having trouble strapping my baby in her car seat today and that's when it struck me, I don't have a baby.
  3. Sometimes I wish I had kids but I don't think I'm ready to share my toys.
  4. I bet the first cavemen had weird dreams where they suddenly realized they WERE wearing pants.
  5. My ex broke up with me because I called her ugly. Like its MY fault she's ugly.
  6. I bought a rabbit. Now, I'm gonna try to shoot him and see if he tries to kiss me. He's dead.
  7. To me eyeglasses are like condoms. I have them, but I don't like wearing them.
  8. My friend wanted my help to end his heroine addiction. So I met up with him, and stole all of his money.
  9. Thanks for the RTs guys! White Power! ~ @Shaunyness @pauldwane @SonKissed79 @_hollycaust @tacky_lulz @thatfinguy @YourFavMexi_Canh @k8lame
  10. I think I just had sex. OMG I'm bleeding.
  11. It's amazing how we used to talk to each other only using our mouths.
  12. If each of my followers gave me 1 dollar, I'd have 1,650 stupid followers.
  13. I'm trying to think of different ways to ask out my crush but I have nothing. It would be a lot easier without the restraining order.
  14. My chest hurts. I think they are finally growing!
  15. I ran out of Harry Potter references to impress a girl from London. I always knew it would come in useful to watch Spice World.
  16. "Let he who is without sin, cast the first OW! Oh my god! Oh my god!" - Jesus, the first time he tried it.
  17. I pretend I'm adopted on Mother's Day.