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derekasaurus

  1. Thanks to http://UmbrellaToday.com and http://HasTheLHCDestroyedTheEarth.com I'm ready for anything. about 2 hours ago from web
  2. Tip: when someone posts "bitch's lawyer took everything except the gun in my hand" on Facebook, it's not appropriate to "like" their status. about 4 hours ago from web
  3. Apparently I buy music online when I'm drunk. Seems I'm a fan of The Blam and E-603. Who knew? about 4 hours ago from web
  4. @charva Nice! about 5 hours ago from web in reply to charva
  5. RT @FakeAPStylebook: When covering gay marriage debates avoid asking "which of you is the woman?" It's the shorter guy. about 17 hours ago from Echofon
  6. @briangerhardt I'm afraid to ask, but what comes after gay porn? I like to plan ahead. 10:50 PM Dec 1st from Echofon in reply to briangerhardt
  7. I'm going to [INSERT ACTIVITY THAT WILL LIKELY END IN EPIC DISAPPOINTMENT AND PAIN] tonight. (What? I value my privacy.) 3:02 PM Dec 1st from Echofon
  8. Knowledge transfer. Hot. 11:53 AM Dec 1st from Echofon
  9. Step 1) Take taxpayer funds. http://bit.ly/2NaxU4 Step 2) Profit. http://bit.ly/9AoTE Step 3) Pretend not to party. http://bit.ly/8AIXUW 8:24 AM Dec 1st from web
  10. First my wife woke me up. Then my son. Now the baby monitor is blaring police band. This whole night has been one 415 after another. 5:27 AM Dec 1st from Echofon
  11. Vivid dreams sometimes wake Max up at night. Nothing cuter than a half-asleep toddler explaining the "talking dinosaur in my pillow." 1:20 AM Dec 1st from Echofon
  12. Coming home from work wiped out, crashing by 8pm, sleeping until 12, then being awake until 4am is working out as well as you might expect. 12:00 AM Dec 1st from Echofon
  13. @khalua, @White_Woolf, while I can't compete with your sexiest-man-alive looks, I have been told I have similar bone structure to Megan Fox. 9:58 PM Nov 30th from web in reply to khalua
  14. I hate to say it, but @PhillyD is right. You can't stay angry while watching this video. http://is.gd/58qVH 5:48 PM Nov 30th from web
  15. The Man in the Yellow Hat must have crippling low self-esteem to stay with that abusive monkey who breaks all his shit. 4:52 PM Nov 30th from Tweetie
  16. @handy_man Ctrl-Z would have been a great choice. A shame you picked foretelling postage rate hikes as your superpower. Hindsight is 20/20. 4:43 PM Nov 30th from Tweetie in reply to handy_man
  17. Either I just had a stroke or the subway conductor is calling out stations using auto-tune. Either way I'm concerned for my safety. 4:28 PM Nov 30th from Tweetie
  18. @handy_man Life should have a Ctrl-Z. 3:44 PM Nov 30th from web in reply to handy_man
  19. @charliehartel TF2 was worse than Joe by a large margin. Megan Fox couldn't offset 2.5 hours of plotless explosions and incoherent action. 3:12 PM Nov 29th from Tweetie in reply to charliehartel
  20. My son Max, 3, at dinner: "My penis is freaking out!" 12:41 PM Nov 29th from Tweetie