derekasaurus
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The hostess told me to sit wherever I want but this old man's lap has no lumbar support whatsoever.
3:29 PM Feb 9th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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RT @: "There should be only one World's Greatest Dad shirt. And you should have to kill the previous owner to wear it."
3:19 PM Feb 9th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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We get it, rappers. You drive nice cars, frequent clubs, and receive blow jobs. We are all suitably impressed. Now can we please move on?
10:23 AM Feb 3rd
via Tweetbot for iOS
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That thing your kid is doing that you think is so cute? It isn't. And yes, I know he's standing right here. I can hear his annoying sobbing.
2:27 PM Feb 2nd
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Waiting for Google Translate to add more languages because I'm out of ways to say "I don't give a fuck." Also, "which way is the library?"
10:48 AM Feb 2nd
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Five-year-old: "Everyone makes mistakes. Like putting light switches too high."
12:04 PM Jan 31st
via Tweetbot for iOS
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If this chick doesn't shut up about being branded 1% and the hardships of opening a wine bar, I'm letting it all ride on jury nullification.
3:44 PM Jan 26th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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I'm all for multiculturalism, but does the MTA really need to post subway signs in Predator?
3:50 PM Jan 23rd
via Tweetbot for iOS
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My 5-year-old after hearing someone speak Croatian: "I think that man is talking in cursive."
7:48 AM Jan 23rd
via Tweetbot for iOS
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This weekend I learned that Yakitori is Japanese for "fuck yeah we can cook that on a stick."
9:51 PM Jan 21st
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Another stupid day where I didn't get to throw a grenade at a genetically enhanced super-dolphin.
1:20 PM Jan 20th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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SPOILER ALERT! Don't read this unless you want to know how Wikipedia ends. Zyzzyva: a tropical American weevil often destructive to plants.
12:13 PM Jan 18th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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With Wikipedia blacked out we have no way of knowing what happened on this day in 1851. So yeah, now would be a good time to panic.
9:35 AM Jan 18th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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If I seem distracted in your pre-dawn meeting it's because I'm thinking of ways to murder you and everything you love.
6:31 AM Jan 17th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Alphabetizing my cats. You?
4:51 PM Jan 13th
via web
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Hey old guy wearing a belt and suspenders, there's no lifetime achievement award for needless redundancy.
2:28 PM Jan 12th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Four iced teas. Long bathroom line. Tricky belt buckle. Button fly jeans. I'm pretty sure this is how Houdini died.
10:43 AM Jan 12th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Back off, autocorrect! You let me worry if ballsack is one word or two. (This is going to be the best expense report ever.)
8:11 AM Jan 12th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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In case you missed it, that last tweet was my subtle way of bragging that I have a job. Ladies?
12:40 PM Jan 11th
via web
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My employer gave me three 24-inch monitors to boost productivity. I can't imagine how this plan could fail.
12:30 PM Jan 11th
via Twitpic
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- Name derekasaurus
- Location NYC, but not in a douchey way.
- Web http://favstar.fm...
- Bio Your capricious attention makes me feel less dead inside.
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