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DavidKantrowitz

  1. An angry driver just called me "Fucko!" Thank you for the free clown name, sir! 1:15 PM Jun 2nd via web
  2. I only sound sexy when I'm telling a sandwich what I'm about to do to it. 12:25 PM Jun 1st via web
  3. "Yeah. Yeah, warm beer. What? What's that? Oh, oh, chocolate." - one side of a phone conversation I just overheard I WANT TO KNOW MORE. 5:40 PM May 31st via web
  4. The Vigilante Auntie is a superhero I just made up, and I already know she's more compelling than Thor. 12:22 PM May 31st via web
  5. You can't spell "charming mutant" without "Channing Tatum." 3:57 PM May 30th via web
  6. All that glitters is most likely spoiled and emotionally stunted. 12:45 AM May 30th via web
  7. Photos of food you're gonna eat? Seen it! Photos of where your food used to be? REVOLUTIONARY. instagr.am/p/LPDby5Bidu/ 8:13 PM May 29th via Instagram
  8. Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward finishing your math homework. 3:12 PM May 29th via web
  9. LOST CAT. Answers to "Simba." Golden brown coloring, tricked into thinking he killed his father. If found, please break into song. 7:12 PM May 27th via Twitter for Android
  10. I became a man the day of my Bar Mitzvah. I became less of a man the day I bought my first pair of skinny jeans. 12:13 PM May 25th via web
  11. What an interesting life Madea has lead. 10:24 AM May 25th via web
  12. "I simply cannot eat your danish, nor will I put down this gun." - Sentence I've Never Said 5:16 PM May 24th via web
  13. Leonardo DiCaprio is a good actor, but his forehead is a GREAT actor. 1:42 PM May 23rd via Twitter for Android
  14. If I were a calculus professor I'd end every class with "Calc-you-later, calculators!" And then I'd complain about not getting tenure. 6:02 PM May 21st via web
  15. You take my breath away. Mostly because oxygen is limited now that we're trapped in this elevator. 12:51 PM May 21st via web
  16. When you first find out you've got asbestos, it's hard not to immediately go roll around in it. 12:20 PM May 21st via web
  17. I look forward to the day that this very tweet is quoted on a motivational poster, because it'll be real confusing. 10:20 PM May 20th via Twitter for Android
  18. Ask for the bill? Check. Put your king in jeopardy? Check. Make a list that exclusively has to do with the word "check?" Check. 5:15 PM May 18th via web
  19. Should I be offended that Mark Zuckerberg hasn't friended me yet? 10:17 AM May 18th via web
  20. Fake NBC sitcoms: "Dudes with Ties." "Relatable Workplace." "But Dad, I'm Too Quirky." "I'm A Farmer, Here's My Cow." "Rabbi Reba." 3:30 PM May 17th via web