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davetotheross

  1. I'M BACK IN LA! lordy, i missed y'all. come out to my storytelling show tonite for tales of hilarity and not sex. free! on.fb.me/JYLfZB
  2. Albuquerque! I'll be inside you tonight with @weismanjake and @mattingebretson! Come! (woah.) tmblr.co/ZiGOQyMZHKh7
  3. I call my penis "Voldemort" because it scars children.
  4. I heard that if gay marriage passes, teachers are gonna tell students that it's okay to be Jewish.
  5. RT @mattingebretson SAN ANTONIO: THE SHOWTIME HAS CHANGED TO 10:30. 10:30 AT THE CRAZY APE.
  6. No, no, I said VOMIT. I don't know what you thought I said, but it was my VOMIT I wanted you to clean up.
  7. If your coffee shop is called "Ground Zero", you really shouldn't make firemen pay.
  8. "That's not a wife. THIS is a wife." -Australian Mormons
  9. Video: Hey check out Matt Ingebretson having a little party outside Houston. tmblr.co/ZiGOQyMRLxdZ
  10. If I had a broadsword, I would be king of this fucking Wal-Mart.
  11. RT @feelingstour HOUSTON: Show tonight at Mangos. 8:00 pm feelingstour.tumblr.com
  12. Jake just rounded the twelve-minute mark talking about cats.
  13. It is honestly crazy the amount of shit Jake is saying about cats right now.
  14. the first rule of Frisbee Golf is "shut the fuck up and throw the god damn frisbee".
  15. I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very very, very, very stoned.
  16. Tonight was the first night in seven years I didn't blow a tiny amount of my penis off with a shotgun.
  17. I wonder how many people in Austin came super hard today.
  18. hey austin, i think you show come out to our show @TNM_Austin tonight at 9. it's gonna be fun. bit.ly/JTc1Ml
  19. i think if my kid were a cannibal i'd have like, a lot of trouble dealing with that.