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crustyjuggler72

  1. @nkotbcruise10 No sweat. Thanks!! about 23 hours ago from UberTwitter in reply to nkotbcruise10
  2. @nkotbcruise10 Only a few, if you can believe it. about 23 hours ago from UberTwitter in reply to nkotbcruise10
  3. @nkotbcruise10 I have no idea why that popped into my head. about 23 hours ago from UberTwitter in reply to nkotbcruise10
  4. Her fear of dreadlocks didn't seem so irrational once I saw her husband in a speedo. 10:16 AM Dec 5th from UberTwitter
  5. One woman's rubber hammock is another's slingshot. Using it to fling me into a tree only works once when calling the fire fighters, though. 2:44 PM Dec 4th from web
  6. After licking my screen to clean it, I can definitely say that my phone doesn't taste like blackberry. 1:44 PM Dec 4th from web
  7. Either that lady bathes in Rogaine or her mom slept with Cousin It. 1:26 PM Dec 3rd from web
  8. He may think he's playing me like a violin, but it's painfully obvious that he needs practice and can't read music. 11:17 AM Dec 3rd from web
  9. People--there is no such thing as taser hair removal. I'm tingling in ways that I never knew were possible. 7:33 AM Dec 3rd from web
  10. "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Fellatio." My efforts to produce Shakepearean porn are gonna take the world by storm. 9:38 AM Dec 2nd from web
  11. For my birthday today, I want the ability to grow and retract my own fur coat by pressing a button in my nose. Using a tissue would be fun. 6:46 AM Dec 2nd from web
  12. People with the flu don't find it very funny when I stand in the bathroom with them and shout, "The power of Christ compels you!" 1:56 PM Dec 1st from web
  13. "<Ding Dong> Damnit. Hide the peanut butter and feathers while I get dressed." This is why I can't have a parrot. 8:06 AM Dec 1st from web
  14. Is it wrong to eat edible underwear if it's your own? 7:06 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter
  15. Tonight, I feel like staging my neighbor's lawn Santa and reindeer into a scene from Caligula. 4:30 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter
  16. Jon Gosselin has a milkshake named after him?! Bet it tastes like ego and asparagus. 7:38 PM Nov 29th from UberTwitter
  17. My father served us mayo that expired. In May. Of 2008. At least it wasn't as far past its prime as SNL. 9:31 AM Nov 29th from UberTwitter
  18. I say that if you're gonna kiss your soul goodbye, you might as well put on your best Chapstick and use a lot of tongue. 12:00 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter
  19. Honey, I'm gonna start calling you Velveeta. Everything you say is processed cheese. 11:47 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter
  20. No need to call the police, sir. Surely, with a name like 'Fluff 'n Dry', you get a job applicant with the wrong impression sometimes. 2:26 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter