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coolplums

  1. This year I shot my own turkey. I used a 12 gauge # 6 load. You should have seen the people in the meat department at Safeway scatter.
  2. I, John Lehman, was just featured on Radio Literature. You can go to their web site http://archive.wort-fm.org/ and play the program. Thanks
  3. "Ignoranus": A person who’s both stupid and an asshole. http://www.TheHipGrandpa.com
  4. "Giraffiti": Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. http://TheHipGrandpa.com
  5. "Sarchasm": The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. http://CoolPlums.com
  6. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. http://www.TheHipGrandpa.com
  7. Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  8. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  9. "Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs." http://www.TheHipGrandpa.com
  10. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
  11. Did you know "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last it spells its own past tense: “ate?” Sleep well!
  12. Q. Why do men get married? A. So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more. http://www.RosebudBookRevie...
  13. Q: Wife's now two months pregnant. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. http://www.TheHipGrandpa.com
  14. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? - Frostbite
  15. Final MEASURE FOR MEASURE…Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
  16. MEASURE FOR MEASURE…Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi http://TheHipGrandpa.com
  17. I review The Onion’s latest book and Jane Hamilton’s Laura Ryder’s Masterpiece. Nice combination, John! http://www.RosebudBookRevie...
  18. IT BOTHERS ME: When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
  19. MEASURE FOR MEASURE…Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
  20. MEASURE FOR MEASURE…2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton. http://www.JohnLehman.info