cookies_of_doom
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"The things he wants to do to your body violate the laws of Heaven and the laws of man. Also the laws of physics,such as we understand them"
about 10 hours ago
from web
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"They say you won't find happiness at the bottom of a bottle- but how can you know until you check them all?"
11:34 PM Dec 1st
from web
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"Your fossil will lead future anthropologists to surmise that 20th century humans reproduced asexually and lived on a diet of molten lead."
12:51 AM Dec 1st
from web
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"Your body will never be beautiful, never be fit, and never be found."
1:10 AM Nov 30th
from web
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"The only way of fighting failure you have left is to redefine it."
1:32 AM Nov 29th
from web
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"The ridiculous details of your incipient demise will become the humorous cocktail anecdote of the season."
9:26 AM Nov 27th
from web
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"You won't really be able to talk about it, but you won't really be able to talk about anything else."
3:03 AM Nov 25th
from web
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"You will wake up hungover, undressed, and dangling from a lamppost. Night after night after night."
11:36 PM Nov 23rd
from web
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"Most human organs don't just suddenly start secreting massive doses of cobra venom, but your spleen has always been something of a rebel."
1:20 AM Nov 22nd
from web
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"You can't actually drown in the toxic miasma of your own reprehensibility, but others may soon drown you because of it."
11:52 PM Nov 20th
from web
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"Only you could turn a simple slip & fall into a slip, fall, roll, crash, defenestrate, dive, shatter, splash, gooify, and gangrenate."
12:13 AM Nov 20th
from web
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"Experts may argue over just what sort of crazy you are, but do agree that any cure must involve the words 'heavy','blunt' and 'repeatedly'"
1:45 AM Nov 19th
from web
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"Your distant ancestors disapprove of you greatly, and one of these nights they're going to come by and tell you so in person."
9:05 AM Nov 18th
from web
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"Why don’t you have what it takes?"
1:31 AM Nov 17th
from web
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"You'll finally come completely unglued, but only after weeks and weeks of solvent baths following your fall in the mucilage tank."
9:43 AM Nov 16th
from web
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"You'll die for love, but not your own."
1:31 AM Nov 16th
from web
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"When the other shoe finally drops, it will be a size 38 steel-toe, filled with contact explosive, falling from cislunar orbit."
2:10 AM Nov 13th
from web
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"The poisonous toxicity of overwhelming loneliness will shorten your lifespan dramatically. Though it sure won't feel shorter."
9:01 AM Nov 12th
from web
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"Your secret admirer carries a chainsaw. Everywhere."
9:36 AM Nov 11th
from web
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"When you spontaneously combust it will be in the same manner that you seem to do everything in this life- only halfway."
11:45 PM Nov 9th
from web
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- Name FortuneCookiesOfDoom
- Bio You know shouldn't take one, but there's just something so irresistible about a fortune cookie...
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