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CobraCommander

  1. When did Axl Rose morph into the ginger Whoopie Goldberg?
  2. Baroness has a Pinterest of automatic weapons and bondage paraphernalia. It is the sexiest thing on the internet.
  3. Pro tip: you can never have too many disposable ninjas on your payroll.
  4. You know the part where villains elaborately explain their plot and then leave the hero? That's when I shoot them in the face.
  5. I have a... present... for your mother.
  6. Looks like we have some recruiting to do in the great state of North Carolina.
  7. Cinco de Tequila
  8. If you try to knock me you'll get mocked. I'll stir fry you in my wok.
  9. London is installing missile launchers on apartment buildings in preparation for the Olympics. My kind of city.
  10. Dominating after-work cervezas. TGIT.
  11. I find The River Wild era Meryl Streep oddly attractive. Believe me, I'm more shocked than you.
  12. When Mindbender farts it sounds like an effeminate goose honking. You can't make this stuff up.
  13. Every time I see Tony Romo wear his hat backwards I get an inch closer to completely obliterating Texas
  14. I love that your country's ultimate diss is deleting an app! I remember when people used bombs to make a point.
  15. Let's make something go boom.
  16. You can usually fit an entire paper clip underneath someone's fingernail before they pass out.
  17. The best way to not get a erection during a massage is to imagine Rick Steves telling you about B&B's in Tuscany
  18. Sundays are useful to rest up for all the skullcrushing in the upcoming week.
  19. Africa has been playing the Hunger Games for the last 30 years.
  20. You think I’m a villain? Have you ever dealt with Paypal? They make me look positively pedestrian.