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Your "I <3 my wife" combined with the "Yes on 8" sticker tell me you are compensating for something. Perhaps your lack of penis. And brain.about 17 hours agofrom txt
Worst part of today? I have already told 8 people I had a lovely Thanksgiving and it is only 8:10. I am going to end up stabbing someone.8:09 AM Nov 30thfrom web
Thanks guys! Shameless self-promotion and tricky advertising does work!1:36 PM Nov 29thfrom web
"Why are we not that cute?"
"Because you guys don't get dressed up to go to a 5 am sale"
"I'm wearing the same underwear I wore yesterday."4:49 AM Nov 27thfrom txt
Oh nice lady in a wheel chair is front of me in line for Black Friday. I thought I was going to have to seek out the disabled to maim today4:27 AM Nov 27thfrom txt
Mom's girlfriend: "Your mom wants powertools for Christmas. Because every dike needs powertools."4:37 PM Nov 26thfrom web
Facebook:
True I have 27 friends in common with Jeremy. But, he was a douche in high school and not friending him is the only revenge I have2:45 PM Nov 26thfrom web
Didn't shower this morning but styled my hair anyway. Thought the grease would function like gel. It's not as good looking at 2 pm.1:50 PM Nov 25thfrom txt
I call this Genius playlist "Oh My God I Hope No One Ever Finds Out I Listen To This Music & Rilo Kiley"1:28 PM Nov 25thfrom txt