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chucknoritz

  1. By the time the villagers found me the monkeys had absconded into the jungle. I could survive without clothes and food but the iPhone? Why?! 11:29 AM Nov 20th from Birdhouse
  2. In light of this New Moon bullshit I must point out my crusade once more: http://twitter.com/chucknor... 8:59 AM Nov 20th from web
  3. My taking a shit song had always been Push It by Salt-N-Pepa. On advice from my GI doctor I changed to Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. 10:30 AM Nov 19th from Birdhouse
  4. My plan was simple: Hop the fence. Grab the bananas. Hop back over the fence. I didn't account for the 500 lb gorilla and his evil bitch. 10:32 AM Nov 18th from web
  5. The Adopt-A-School board's been up at work. All the ugly and/or overweight kids are left. I love how people select their charity. Assholes. 10:04 AM Nov 18th from web
  6. I love the everyone's happy tone that kid cartoons operate in. Oh dear god it's a fucking bear!!! No it's okay. He's a friendly bear. Oh. 11:07 AM Nov 17th from Birdhouse
  7. I Feel like drinking a shitload tonight. But I hate pissing in those dirty stalls. Even Friday night decisions have consequences! Fuck!!! 4:25 PM Nov 13th from web
  8. One of the toilets at work has a major splash back issue when you flush it. It's like a less effective, messy bidet. 11:29 AM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  9. There's nothing fascinating about being amazing. You're never surprised. It's a dull existence really. 9:13 AM Nov 13th from Birdhouse
  10. This new suppository casting mold is such a pain in the ass. Oh fuck wait. There's a smaller one for humans. 10:43 AM Nov 11th from Birdhouse
  11. @sugarkat I've seen many a bovine defecate, weekend hobby of mine, and I have to tell you the American Bison takes the steam pie. 3:44 PM Nov 10th from web in reply to sugarkat
  12. Is bull shit really that bad? I mean old drunk bean burrito eating guy's shit has gotta be worse. Maybe it's a brevity thing. 10:42 AM Nov 10th from Birdhouse
  13. "I don't want to get too anal about this" was said so many times during the meeting that I started visualizing actual assholes. Fuck. 10:19 AM Nov 10th from Birdhouse
  14. Nothing says awkward like staring a coworker in the face as you're taking a shit. I thought I locked that fucking door. Fuck. 11:36 AM Nov 4th from Birdhouse
  15. @putthison - What's the make of the "luxury sneakers" pictured in this article --------> http://bit.ly/2ef07x 10:23 AM Nov 4th from web
  16. A great man once said "a great man once said." Since then men say "a great man once said" whenever sharing what a great man once said. 2:04 PM Oct 29th from Birdhouse
  17. I'm not impressed when someone makes it look easy. Whatever. I'm impressed when someone makes it look hard when it should be easy. 12:13 PM Oct 29th from Birdhouse
  18. Great day today. That cocky fuck in Marketing sent an email to a shit load of people and ended the email "...and that's why I'm a genuis." 9:25 AM Oct 29th from Birdhouse
  19. The range of emotion that the most expressive dog in the world can convey is still very limited. 9:23 AM Oct 28th from Birdhouse
  20. Just fell into the bath tub. Who the fuck put it here? Fucking assholes. Anyways. Lots of grime near the drain. 8:46 PM Oct 27th from Birdhouse