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BorowitzReport

  1. It's important to turn off our computers and do things in the real world, or we won't have anything to tweet about. 15 minutes ago via web
  2. #MemorialDay: A good way to remember the dead would be to bring home the living. about 5 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
  3. Twitter: When you're too lazy for haiku. about 5 hours ago via web
  4. The private sector now controls our space program, having already done so with our elections. #USA about 7 hours ago via web
  5. Guns don't kill people. People with retarded pro-gun bumper stickers kill people. about 7 hours ago via web
  6. Mark Zuckerberg's plea for financial help: bit.ly/KR7Xls about 7 hours ago via web
  7. Urgent message for all Facebook users: bit.ly/KR7Xls about 8 hours ago via web
  8. To raise much-needed cash, Facebook will now charge $5 for every ex you crop out of a profile picture. about 8 hours ago via web
  9. FOX NEWS REPORTS: Following in the footsteps of the US, Egypt may elect a Muslim president: bit.ly/JUQdWU about 13 hours ago via web
  10. The anniversary of Star Wars is a celebration of made-up stories, so it should be considered a religious holiday. about 14 hours ago via web
  11. The President's enemies are now saying that on a scale from 1 to Muslim, Obama is gay. about 24 hours ago via web
  12. No, I don't think I can fucking dance. 6:39 PM May 24th via web
  13. We won't let Iran make nukes, but we're fine with Pizza Hut making pizzas stuffed with cheeseburgers. #hypocrisy 5:15 PM May 24th via web
  14. Republican politicians fear that if same-sex marriage is legal their boyfriends will give them ultimatums. 4:34 PM May 24th via web
  15. Even though he's not running anymore, I think it's important to remember what a hateful asshole Rick Santorum is. 4:24 PM May 24th via web
  16. I don't see how the economy in Europe could be struggling when that's where Romney hides all his money. 4:14 PM May 24th via web
  17. Twitter: where good manners and good spelling come to die. 1:06 PM May 24th via web
  18. I would rather get an email from a Nigerian scam artist than an invitation to join someone on LinkedIn. 10:14 AM May 24th via web
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