bearskinrug
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Comedy is zigging when everyone expects zagging.
1:46 PM Aug 2nd
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Just finished waxing my shiny new boat!!!! (I don't have a boat. Just trying to make the car jealous. Play along).
12:13 PM Jul 29th
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Scientists say people with higher IQ's tend to dream more. They also suggest that stupid people are "lame", and "even suck at sleeping".
4:47 PM Jul 24th
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I'd say that once you reach a point where you can pull a muscle while sneezing, you're officially old.
7:39 AM Jul 22nd
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OH: "Hey Paul, that guy over there is listening to our conversation... HOW ABOUT I TWEET YOUR FACE WITH MY FIST, BUDDY?" (punching sounds)
4:04 AM Jul 16th
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False alarm... that loud ticking sound was actually coming from a bomb on this TV show. Can I offer any of you officers a snack?
3:20 PM Jul 8th
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You sit up there on your high horse... so smug and superior. If I didn't need your help getting my kite off the roof I'd so kick your ass.
9:08 AM Jul 6th
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I used to fantasize about my teachers a lot... like, Mr. Sagnella putting aside our differential calculus for some algebraic equations. Hot!
5:39 AM Jun 30th
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It took me like three hours to answer my neglected email this morning. I must have replied to that Cialis guy like 100 times!
7:29 AM Jun 29th
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Getting a dog has really improved my quality of life. Now HE is the one who has to sniff everyone's butt.
11:09 AM Jun 21st
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I imagine it's difficult to sculpt a fountain. Most of the models tend to drown.
5:10 PM Jun 19th
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I just called the dentist EXACTLY as they were calling me. Fate, I'd rather bank such piddly coincidences until they equal a lottery win.
12:49 PM Jun 9th
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One of the first things I do when I come home from shopping is try on my new purchases. This cantaloupe will make a great helmet.
5:07 AM Jun 8th
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Honking "hello" as I walk by your car is only slightly less annoying than if you wished me "happy birthday" by shoving my face into a cake.
2:34 PM Jun 4th
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Coffee time! Today I'm picking beans on the west side of the mountain. Just let me finish my parasite medicine and then I can start the day!
6:05 AM Jun 3rd
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Every so often, rather than dipping it in the water jar, I mistakenly dunk my brush in my coffee.
4:34 AM May 28th
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I can't remember whether I left the iron on this morning. And now I can't check because the damn house is on fire.
8:20 AM May 24th
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Hippos are one of Africa's most deadly mammals. If one shows up at your door, keep a cool head and give it every marble you own.
1:03 PM May 20th
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Last night I fell asleep on my arm and lost feeling all the way up to my shoulder. It's the most dead I've ever been.
11:57 AM May 19th
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Just to cover my ass, I'll give the keys to the dog. Then everyone will think it was HIM.
3:59 PM May 12th
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