bearskinrug
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It's not that I don't like zoos... but if I wanted to watch an animal lounge around and relieve itself on a tree I'd look in the mirror.
8:25 AM Nov 30th
from web
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Humans have 206 bones, but Skeletons That Have Arisen From The Dead usually have 200. Those little ear bones are hard to keep track of.
12:59 PM Nov 21st
from web
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It's so much easier to respect others than respect myself. I don't have to see them naked.
7:29 AM Nov 18th
from web
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I figured out the problem with my garage door opener. This is not my house.
2:50 PM Nov 16th
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I'm looking forward to the Rapture. It should really drive down housing prices for the rest of us.
6:28 AM Nov 11th
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SAD: Thirty people trapped in a car. FUNNY: Thirty clowns trapped in a car.
10:04 AM Nov 5th
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SAD: A pet falling out of a window. FUNNY: A clown falling out of a window. See? Clowns really ARE funny.
3:27 AM Nov 4th
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When seen in profile, it's clear that every Peanuts character is related, and should immediately end any romantic entanglements.
6:39 AM Oct 31st
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Note to self: in the future, when re-clamping the bathroom dog gate after you shower, put on some pants. That was a close call.
4:21 AM Oct 28th
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Uggh. I'm so fed up with this new car. I don't even remember why I stole it in the first place.
9:20 AM Oct 21st
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I'm glad I took Chicken in high school. It's been much handier than French.
3:15 AM Oct 7th
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I've also found the best way to avoid a cockfight is learning the phrase "just be cool, man..." in chicken.
3:12 AM Oct 7th
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I've found the best way to avoid a fight is to actually never set foot IN a boxing ring.
1:00 PM Oct 6th
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There are some homemade things that just can't compare to the professionally-prepared version. Like crepes. Or a parachute.
7:11 AM Sep 23rd
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Patience is not in my dog's vocabulary. Along with many other human words. Except "bark". And "roof".
3:56 PM Sep 16th
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It's interesting how fishnet can be so sexy on legs in the food service industry, yet so un-sexy on heads in the food service industry.
1:36 PM Sep 12th
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I want the kind of name that allows me to say "You can't possibly pronounce it in your tongue" when an alien asks it. Is "Kev" one of those?
4:25 PM Sep 3rd
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There's nothing wrong with drinking a martini at 3 in the afternoon. Eating it... now THAT would be wrong.
12:27 PM Sep 1st
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Uncle Reuben's death is tragic, but I'm comforted knowing he's gone to a better place. This funeral home is so sumptuously decorated!
9:46 AM Aug 28th
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Seeing a magician was cool and everything, but I really need my watch back. And the top half of my wife.
3:58 PM Aug 25th
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