bearskinrug
- I used to fantasize about my teachers a lot... like, Mr. Sagnella putting aside our differential calculus for some algebraic equations. Hot!5:39 AM Jun 30th from web
- It took me like three hours to answer my neglected email this morning. I must have replied to that Cialis guy like 100 times!7:29 AM Jun 29th from web
- Getting a dog has really improved my quality of life. Now HE is the one who has to sniff everyone's butt.11:09 AM Jun 21st from web
- I imagine it's difficult to sculpt a fountain. Most of the models tend to drown.5:10 PM Jun 19th from web
- I just called the dentist EXACTLY as they were calling me. Fate, I'd rather bank such piddly coincidences until they equal a lottery win.12:49 PM Jun 9th from web
- One of the first things I do when I come home from shopping is try on my new purchases. This cantaloupe will make a great helmet.5:07 AM Jun 8th from web
- Honking "hello" as I walk by your car is only slightly less annoying than if you wished me "happy birthday" by shoving my face into a cake.2:34 PM Jun 4th from web
- Coffee time! Today I'm picking beans on the west side of the mountain. Just let me finish my parasite medicine and then I can start the day!6:05 AM Jun 3rd from web
- Every so often, rather than dipping it in the water jar, I mistakenly dunk my brush in my coffee.4:34 AM May 28th from web
- I can't remember whether I left the iron on this morning. And now I can't check because the damn house is on fire.8:20 AM May 24th from web
- Hippos are one of Africa's most deadly mammals. If one shows up at your door, keep a cool head and give it every marble you own.1:03 PM May 20th from web
- Last night I fell asleep on my arm and lost feeling all the way up to my shoulder. It's the most dead I've ever been.11:57 AM May 19th from web
- Just to cover my ass, I'll give the keys to the dog. Then everyone will think it was HIM.3:59 PM May 12th from web
- Funny... you'd think a man in pantyhose would be laughingstock, but no one has even cracked a smile.
(sigh)
EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR! NOW!5:24 AM May 10th from web
- Cows have four stomachs, and Elephants have four knees. It's like Mother Nature designed them to fight at recess.8:06 AM May 6th from web
- "Scoundrel!" she hissed, "I should have you arrested!" To which I replied, "Madam, I was arrested the moment you stepped out of that cake."12:37 PM May 5th from web
- Looking to cut costs on that expensive dinner party? Take a tip from the pros: no need to prepare a second course if you poison the first.10:38 AM May 1st from web
- I consider myself a philanthropist. I mean, when I was on Wheel of Fortune, I bought a round of vowels for my fellow contestants.4:43 AM Apr 27th from web
- Dogs have only about a third of the hearing capabilities as Cats. This allows your cat to ignore you from much farther distances.4:08 AM Apr 20th from web
- A man is defined not by his thoughts, but by his deeds. Although, in a pinch, the presence of a penis is usually a pretty big tell.7:07 AM Apr 18th from web
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