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baileygenine

  1. "Looks like we have a heckler in the audience! Why don't I take off my head and remove my brain, and we'll start out as equals, huh?"
  2. Tai Chi In The Park Guy totally just beat up Even Slower Moving Guy.
  3. The worst part about being a straight girl is not being able to make jokes about doing your mom. Which I did last night. Ok nevermind.
  4. RT @andyn: If being bored was a lucrative career, I would _so_ be retired by now.
  5. If the energy I spent trying to figure people out burned calories, I'd be skinny by now.
  6. I think it's time I told my cats they're adopted.
  7. @clapifyoulikeme Wobbled. You wobbled off 666 calories. Also, satanist.
  8. Sorry I called your daughter a drunk. In my defense, she's only 8, so she probably isn't.
  9. I thought you loved when a hostile conversation turned into ripping each other's clothes off? My mistake, officer.
  10. Well, I wasn't named after a college graduate with a job, I was named after alcohol, mom.
  11. The greatest trick the vacuum ever pulled was convincing the world that shooting stuff all over the place was "cleaning it up".
  12. You're cute in a baby bird that isn't cute at all, it's actually kind of creepy, sort of way.
  13. @MikeGruz I wonder if the FDA will check to see if there's something in the laundry detergent. After I take this nap.
  14. Scientists really need to get to work on this doing laundry and extreme fatigue correlation.
  15. @mdigcat I knew someone would call me out on that! By "car" I meant "cat" and I think they're broken because they sleep all day.
  16. The 'check engine' light isn't turning on in my car and I'm pretty sure that's what's wrong with it.
  17. I just ripped my headphone out of my ear, so naturally I'm going to kill the first person I see.
  18. @Just_Alison I love you.
  19. Lady, I'm sure if you stare at the train tracks a little more the train will come sooner and crap it worked.
  20. I AM @MEETINGGUY.