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awryone
Please follow @melissasantos.
She's smart and funny.
Plus, her dad is a monkey and her mom is a stuffed animal.
You do the math.about 1 hour agofrom web
Me: I love to sing.
Wife: Then move to Tibet,
because you couldn't carry a tune
without a Sherpa.about 11 hours agofrom Birdhouse
Drop one baby
in a trash dumpster
behind the Denny's
and suddenly everyone wants to talk to you.
Should've done this in high school.about 15 hours agofrom Birdhouse
My penis is so small
that I can only satisfy women
from the second dimension.5:00 PM Jul 8thfrom Birdhouse
Is there a support group for men
who leave their crying babies in a Target bathroom?6:44 AM Jul 8thfrom web
If you're hit on by an older woman
near the cosmetics counter of Macy's,
would you say
you've been MALLED by a cougar?8:19 AM Jul 7thfrom Birdhouse
I just dosed the coffee pot
at the Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting with Spanish Fly.
Your mom is so pissed, but too horny to hit me.5:11 PM Jul 6thfrom web
Juggling a baby and a career is much less fun
than juggling a baby and bowling balls.7:51 AM Jul 6thfrom web
Your mom's teeth are so crooked
the Watergate offered them a room upgrade.5:57 AM Jul 6thfrom Birdhouse
I was changing a flat on the highway
when a black woman stopped
to see if I could check her engine light.
Ebony and irony.5:22 PM Jul 5thfrom Birdhouse
I don't mind when my baby strays.
I know she'll always come crawling back.9:05 AM Jul 5thfrom Birdhouse
What a hangover!
Where's the...
OMG! WE BLEW UP THE BABY.4:22 AM Jul 5thfrom web
