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awryone

  1. 20-year high school reunion with @jonathancoulton. He's serenading a drunk girl and clueless that I'm about to pants him. about 4 hours ago from Birdhouse
  2. Me: That white-bearded short guy has been tapping a perfect beat the entire train ride. Wife: Yup. He's a Metro Gnome. 7:03 AM Nov 27th from Birdhouse
  3. I don't remember eating that seventh plate. I must be suffering yamnesia. 11:34 AM Nov 26th from Birdhouse
  4. ... and that takes care of gluttony. God? You better make an Eighth Deadly Sin quick. I've got all day. Bring it. 9:33 AM Nov 26th from Birdhouse
  5. Remember this: when the holidays get you down - resent it forward. 7:30 PM Nov 25th from Birdhouse
  6. The Bush twins are 28 today and saying Bush twins makes me want to beat my bird in hand. 5:07 AM Nov 25th from Birdhouse
  7. 150 years ago today, The Origin of Species became the bible of reality. Suck it, Adam. 4:58 AM Nov 24th from web
  8. In my house, the traditional Thanksgiving centerpiece is always my Mother-in-law's overflowing scornucopia. 10:36 AM Nov 23rd from Birdhouse
  9. I'd be much thinner if pizza didn't taste like self-esteem. 5:01 PM Nov 21st from Birdhouse
  10. Alone with the baby. Is there an app for this? 4:01 PM Nov 21st from Birdhouse
  11. Parenting tip: don't dress your baby as a turkey then leave her unattended at a turkey farm. Hope her new family finds her delicious. 8:47 AM Nov 21st from Birdhouse
  12. I'd rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomeme. 5:36 PM Nov 20th from Birdhouse
  13. Me: Meet me in the bathroom for some Mile High Club? Wife: Go yourself. Do a Half-Miler. Me: Does that count? Wife: I'll ask a stewardess. 1:28 PM Nov 20th from web
  14. Technology continues to make things smaller and one day my penis will rule the world. 9:31 AM Nov 20th from Birdhouse
  15. Great. Now I have less than two years to have sex with Oprah while she's still relevant. 5:43 AM Nov 20th from Birdhouse
  16. NPR ruins my mascara. This is AMAZING: http://www.npr.org/template... 5:35 AM Nov 20th from Tweetie
  17. Dad? I totally get the divorce and I'm glad you've embraced being gay, but I refuse to call your new boyfriend my Manmommy. 7:03 PM Nov 19th from Birdhouse
  18. Inflatable Sex Pizza. 1:46 PM Nov 19th from web
  19. 20 year reunion coming up and at least I still have my hair! Can't wait to show it off in my backless shirt. 10:48 AM Nov 19th from web
  20. Call me old fashioned, but I liked it when sexting was just writing my name on a girl's front door in jism. 7:00 AM Nov 19th from Birdhouse