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asetofworks

  1. They say everything's BIGGER in Texas! *unveils thin, pendulous penis, realizes he's in neighboring Louisiana*
  2. *Marriage* lol smh hmu
  3. I ate out a Mexican chick & I've been shitting for 2 days straight.
  4. It's like the first time you tell your fat sister what a fucking hog she is - bit.ly/IKZ5sA
  5. First dates are so reluctant to meet me in the Everglades, but I'm really a great guy who just wants to make a necklace from their teeth.
  6. @screenslags Yay there dude! You got an email?
  7. "The Penultimate Run" - Jason Statham stars as an ex-criminal who doesn't have to do ONE LAST JOB, but TWO LAST JOBS. This is the first job.
  8. This retard at work wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I should show him my cock & watch his fucking head blow to kingdom come.
  9. Not to be vain, but I excel at the "Give me a sec" pinky-wave-while-talking-on-a-cell.
  10. I'm the Twitter user in the Taco Bell Doritos Locos commercial who said they're "so bomb".
  11. I can't wait till Boscovs unveils Puerto Rican designer Carlos Lopez's summer line of yackets.
  12. "The Thin Middle Class Line" - Terrence Malick's new movie about white high school grads who join the Coast Guard Reserves
  13. I'm the guy who fucks up all the communal pizza to get to the big slices that aren't touching.
  14. Sometimes the best way to deal with an overbearing father is to wait for him to come home from the gym & put a hole in his chest w/ a rifle.
  15. Saw TSA tear the soles off @azizansari's 1984 adidas at Austin Airport. Reluctance to board melted away.
  16. I'm confident no one notices me peeling my shirt off my fat stomach & tits when I walk into the wind.
  17. "Happy 4/20, bro" - A dimwitted goon I beat the shit out of & made eat a broken Wild Turkey bottle
  18. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to bank at a place where everyone has blond hair & blue eyes like me, @WellsFargo.
  19. I brought my new pet Mjolnir home & it decimated my entire family.
  20. I'm so not a fag that when they show that crooked black dick in Hall Pass I'm comfortable jacking-off & cumming all over the place.