anthonyjeselnik
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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
about 2 hours ago
from web
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Anyone want to get me a birthday present? Vote for me in this Comedy Central Showdown or give me cash:
about 4 hours ago
from web
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Vote for me in Comedy Central's Stand-Up Showdown. Or don't. I don't give a shit.
7:42 AM Dec 18th
from web
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It'd be nice if my girlfriend got me an XBox for XMas. But I'll be happy with whatever it is, since I got her an XBox.
8:43 PM Dec 13th
from web
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RT@greggrosenthal: Darren Mcfadden seems to miss a lot of running lanes.
8:32 PM Dec 8th
from web
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RT @: hey, NYC area peeps. get $5 off @ show Jan. 7 @ with Punchline code PLAJ
...
6:11 PM Dec 8th
from web
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Flawless Victory: Anthony Jeselnik vs a baby.
10:54 AM Dec 6th
from web
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I'm gonna be featured on Comedy Central's hour-long special: "The Hot List" tonight at 10 pm EST. Finally.
10:26 AM Dec 6th
from web
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My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
11:23 AM Nov 28th
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I ran over my neighbor's dog this morning. Totally my fault. Should have watched where I was running.
10:45 AM Nov 21st
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Whenever I have to wait in line for the water fountain, I wonder if Martin Luther King Jr really knew what he was doing.
2:44 PM Nov 17th
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World Diabetes Day is Halloween for heroin junkies.
10:53 AM Nov 14th
from web
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My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
10:35 AM Nov 14th
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Can't stop watching this Prince guitar solo. Incredible. He plays exactly how I would.
9:34 AM Nov 14th
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Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
5:45 PM Nov 12th
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- You're not going to fucking believe who got to meet me last night. Go Steelers.
7:15 AM Nov 11th
from TwitPic
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I want to have sex with you, baby. But if you don't want me to have sex with you, baby, too bad 'cause you're just a baby.
9:54 AM Nov 9th
from web
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Today is the 20th Anniversary of the Space Shuttle Challenger crashing into the World Trade Center. Never forget.
9:20 AM Nov 9th
from web
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My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.
2:50 PM Nov 8th
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My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
2:12 PM Nov 8th
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- Name Anthony Jeselnik
- Location New York City
- Bio Anthony Jeselnik is a comedian and Late Night writer.
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