amberfw
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Asked the cute Home Depot guy to lead me to duct tape, zip ties, and rope. Then I asked him when his shift ended.
about 9 hours ago
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Me: You can’t even say rocky road ice cream without me wanting it.
Him: Sex.
Me: Nice try.
about 15 hours ago
via Tweetbot for iOS
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@ Thank you!! :)
9:36 PM May 25th
via Tweetbot for iOS
in reply to MeanOldManMike
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I always pat my pockets just to make sure I'm lying when I tell a bum I don't have anything for him.
5:43 PM May 23rd
via twicca
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My husband won't go near me after I've eaten certain foods (like the garlic pasta I'm aggressively eating right now).
12:30 PM May 25th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Everytime I run into a friend back from high school, they're always pregnant... Especially the dudes.
12:09 PM May 24th
via web
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You adopted your baby from China? That is so 10 years ago. Don't you know that Haitian babies are in now?
12:31 PM May 24th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Favstar says they're searching for a replacement Commodore 64 and hope to be back online soon.
6:09 AM May 24th
via web
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Dear hotel: Can I trade five of these pillows and six of these towels for one working wireless connection?
3:38 AM May 8th
via Twitter for Android
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I thoroughly appreciate a multilingual man, but ultimately he must be exceptionally cunning.
9:28 AM May 23rd
via Tweetbot for iOS
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I stopped punching people when I see a Volkswagon Beetle because I'm pooling them together for a stabbing.
3:45 PM May 22nd
via Mobile Web
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There's nothing sadder than wanting to be funny.
10:38 AM May 21st
via web
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Awkward silences would stop being awkward if you'd shut the fuck up more often.
8:07 AM May 22nd
via Tweetbot for iOS
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I'm just spending the evening sorting out my life*
~ *spring & summer shoe collection
6:30 PM May 21st
via Favstar.FM
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I'm the kind of guy that will bring you flowers, open your car door, and put you on a pedestal, if I'm your pallbearer.
7:36 AM May 22nd
via Favstar.FM
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I wrote this! Maybe. Someone else could have come up with it too. Kinda cool. :)
4:03 PM May 21st
via Tweetbot for iOS
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My guardian angel is a little sadist bitch with a sick sense of humor.
1:43 PM May 21st
via Tweetbot for iOS
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I don't give up on a stupid pen that just won't write anymore so no, I won't give up on you.
8:18 AM May 21st
via Tweetbot for iOS
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If I never go to bed, tomorrow never comes. That's how it works, right?
9:46 PM May 20th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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Maybe if love was made out of cockroaches it'd last forever.
11:32 AM May 16th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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- Name Amber Annie
- Web http://favstar.fm...
- Bio Sometimes I'm funny and other times I'm funny on purpose. Also, deadly serious.
Happily married with a daughter.
http://favstar.fm/users/amberfw/recent
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