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alecowen

  1. You'll attract more flies with a condom full of honey than a condom full of vinegar.
  2. Thanks for honoring our great men and women who give service to this great country, @Cinnabon!
  3. Tonight I performed stand-up comedy for the first time in my life. Earlier today I met @pattonoswalt. 'twas a good omen. #soblessedsundays
  4. Jails are getting really nice nowadays. twitter.com/alecowen/statu…
  5. If I never hear the song "Moves Like Jagger" again, it will be because I am a good person with a kind heart.
  6. RT IF YOU SUCK AT SHIT
  7. If you're tired of Rock-Paper-Scissors you can always try a friendly game of Pitbull-Toddler-Chocolate
  8. I just saw Dennis Rodman on TV so I assume he was diagnosed with a terminal STD. Get well soon, buddy.
  9. There are 170 hidden mickeys in Disneyland. HINT: they are in every open drink I've happened to pass by.
  10. Told my new commercial agent that in this town they call me "the Pagemaster," 'cause I book so much. Pretty sure she jizzed.
  11. Things that make you go "hnnnnngggggg"
  12. #ff @PrinceTweets2U
  13. FYI - Dennis Miller's twitter feed is exactly what you thought it'd be. “@DennisDMZ: Val Atkins makes Jacyln Smith look like Isak Dinesen!”
  14. Police frontman reviews indie band's new album about former professional wrestler scathingly: Sting stings Ting Tings' "Sting" @pattonoswalt
  15. “@hoackhoass: a very heavy burtation tonight” It's pretty darrison over here.