AinsleyofAttack
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When I fuck up Christmas carols I blame it on the half of my lineage that celebrates Hannukah. Boughs of holly? I'd rather chow on challah.
7:38 PM Dec 6th
from Birdhouse
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"Bells on bobtail sing" means someone stuck bells on a deer. "Making spirits bright." Sickos.
5:51 PM Dec 6th
from Birdhouse
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Stars have become the coccyx of Twitter, in place of the cock.
8:54 AM Dec 6th
from Birdhouse
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I see no reason to pursue a man who has a genital piercing, except that he's already learned how to purchase jewelry.
7:28 PM Dec 5th
from Birdhouse
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I'm confused. I tuned into MTV to see a documentary about the Franco-British islands and instead it's a PSA about herpes and self-tanner.
12:00 PM Dec 5th
from Birdhouse
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"Probably" and "definitely" are like Lindsay Lohan and a first-time offender: the two shouldn't get too close or share the same sentence.
11:11 AM Dec 4th
from Birdhouse
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Page 86 of Inc. Magazine. @ saves mom's bookstore by bribing the Internet with burritos. My faith in humanity is restored.
9:51 AM Dec 4th
from Birdhouse
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Some people dream of being athletes. Considering how much he sweats when he sleeps, my boyfriend is an athlete when he dreams.
5:55 AM Dec 4th
from Birdhouse
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"I'm watching my boyfriend eat wings." The euphemisms just pour from my mouth, even when I'm not trying. And then they dribble down my chin.
4:04 PM Dec 3rd
from Birdhouse
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Photo: Iād hit this.
3:47 PM Dec 3rd
from Tumblr
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The alphabet of battery categorization doesn't seem to go beyond the first few letters. Guess whoever invented it didn't have the energy.
12:47 PM Dec 3rd
from Birdhouse
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My dad has a cold. After sniffling louder than a wet vac, he compared swallowing snot to an oyster. And that's how we redefine "delicacy."
4:36 AM Dec 3rd
from Birdhouse
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Cramps and the desire to headbutt everyone are like the lightening and thunder of menstruation, I can never remember which one comes first.
7:13 PM Dec 1st
from Birdhouse
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Axl Rose doesn't seem especially courteous, but "bardge in drunk while eating wings and piss on Heaven's floor" probably wasn't as catchy.
4:49 PM Dec 1st
from Birdhouse
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From now on I'm going to conclude every pick-up line with a husky "semi-colon, right parenthesis."
12:53 PM Nov 30th
from Birdhouse
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I'm watching one cute boy pour tea, one cute boy bake croissants and one cute boy wash dishes. It's like domestic porn. My mouth is all wet.
2:07 PM Nov 29th
from Birdhouse
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I'm about to get my tramp stamp covered up, which is usually my boyfriend's job.
1:12 PM Nov 28th
from Birdhouse
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Saw a couple wearing matching Christmas sweatshirts emblazoned with the word "JOY!" A more appropriate demand would have been "RIDICULE!"
3:05 PM Nov 27th
from Birdhouse
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In response to my veganism, my family has locked me outside with a hoe to "eat with the plants." Locavores and raw foodists are so jealous.
1:38 PM Nov 26th
from Birdhouse
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My dad is now consistently referring to my eight-pound dog as his granddaughter with strangers. This is known as being subtle in my family.
7:32 PM Nov 25th
from Birdhouse
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