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adamisacson

  1. It's only May, but according to a strict reading of the law, you still can't assault someone who talks to you about the election campaign.
  2. Eating some pasteurized process cheese product as I sit with my neutered domestic cat animal on the cushioned upholstered couch furniture.
  3. Just found a post-it with "tweet something" written on it, laundered and wadded up in the pocket of my least-favorite pants. So, hi again.
  4. So many dirty looks. Such uptight people. It's May. Do we really have to wait until Memorial Day to wear our white jodhpurs and epaulettes?
  5. I meant to buy a scanner with "OCR," but misread the box. This one won't recognize text unless I wash my hands and press the button 7 times.
  6. Do you ever take a moment to stop, breathe in the tranquility and simplicity all around you, and realize the stupid barista gave you decaf?
  7. It's that annual Saturday when I talk myself out of getting arrested screaming obscenities outside the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
  8. Yesterday was Record Store Day. Today is Earth Day. That was fun. Next weekend let's do labor unions, the middle class and print journalism.
  9. Today is Record Store Day. Celebrate it by going online and buying a record store.
  10. I feel like going "cow tipping" tonight, but I just went to the ATM and they can never break a twenty.
  11. When cooking Italian food I like to drink a glass of chianti, maybe a bottle of Peroni and hey check it out someone's boiling pasta.
  12. It's always weird to see someone walking around with their kid on a line. Aren't children cordless now? I'm pretty sure mine is Bluetooth.
  13. That I owe thousands in taxes makes me a real grownup. That I launched TurboTax thinking I'd somehow get a refund makes me a sad man-child.
  14. Sure, Cory Booker saved someone from a burning building. But let's not forget Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were quite good in "Lost Boys."
  15. I bet dinosaur nerds were so busy arguing about whether feathers were "canonical" that they totally missed out on the whole asteroid thing.
  16. Had that dream again where Mitt Romney is my chauffeur but I have to fire him for leaving Brylcreem residue on the driver's seat headrest.
  17. Dammit, I just want to her the punch line to this lousy knock-knock joke. Can you shut up for a freakin' _second_? Stupid interrupting cow.
  18. While I was away, several late-70s baseball cards fell off a closet shelf into the litterbox. Sorry, Kent Tekulve, you didn't deserve that.
  19. "You mean your ancestors were slaves in Egypt and you won't even eat a little horseradish?" I heard myself say to my 7-year-old daughter.
  20. Undisciplined. Driven by their appetites. Bawling in strollers. They may be creative, but today's zerosomethings are a lost generation.