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actionstern

  1. My mom used to let me play with the toaster oven in the bath tub and that's all I remember before the age of 17. 9:04 AM May 26th via Twitter for iPhone
  2. Anyone tried the 'sad sauce' at "Verner's Burger Slouch" yet? 8:51 AM May 26th via Twitter for iPhone
  3. Well mine is General Cornwilkens. Whose your favorite made up civil war General? Your going home? Why, because no one else came to my party? 8:41 AM May 26th via Twitter for iPhone
  4. They kicked me out of architecture school after I designed a shack made out of Drake’s Cakes. 10:45 AM May 25th via web
  5. Doctor says I can't asphyxiate myself asleep anymore. 7:47 AM May 25th via Twitter for iPhone
  6. What are you up to on Saturday? Wanna hang out in the trees above a campsite and steal s'mores off people's plates using a fishing pole? 12:59 PM May 23rd via Twitter for iPhone
  7. Some people like getting laid. I like when items don't fall down in the snack machine and I sneak in with my dollar for a double snack. 8:00 AM May 19th via Twitter for iPhone
  8. What do I do?! I undercooked the lobster, it woke up and snapped my date's bra off with it's claw. Now they're making out! This is weird. 7:33 PM May 18th via Twitter for iPhone
  9. My belly lint looks like a T-Rex. Hey wait! When will I see you again? 10:11 AM May 18th via Twitter for iPhone
  10. On a dinner date? Break the ice by eating two entire bread baskets and then say, "Mommy my tummy hurts" in a baby voice. 7:06 AM May 16th via Twitter for iPhone
  11. Every summer I go to the local pool, hide in the bushes and blow a whistle at random times. 12:29 PM May 15th via web
  12. My co-workers still don't respect me even after I showed them all the cool YouTube vids I know about. 8:29 AM May 15th via Twitter for iPhone
  13. Back home seeing the rents. The two different productions of rent in my hometown. 8:27 AM May 15th via Twitter for iPhone
  14. Heads up everyone, the foreman gets really pissed if you "borrow" the jackhammer from the construction site next door. 8:04 AM May 15th via Twitter for iPhone
  15. Come on down to Madison park! I'm performing songs from "Pure Moods" on my slide whistle and scratching my butt against an old oak tree. 10:34 AM May 14th via Twitter for iPhone
  16. My neighbor is mad because I almost hit him with the used kitty litter I threw out my window, but in my defense I did yell, "Bombs away!" 8:27 AM May 14th via Twitter for iPhone
  17. I sneak into other workplaces and wait for someone to sell me their daughter's girl scout cookies then I order 200 boxes and never return. 7:05 AM May 14th via Twitter for iPhone
  18. Thought I was sitting next to a baby on the train, but it was just my stomach spill-over. 4:16 PM May 12th via Twitter for iPhone
  19. I miss being a kid, but I don't miss when my dad would make me mow the lawn or steal burger meat from the freezer in our neighbor's garage. 8:10 AM May 12th via web
  20. I'm very claustrophobic. I start hyperventilating whenever I climb inside a child's toy box. 12:02 PM May 11th via web