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Zaius13

  1. I'm making a new festive dish I created by accident last Thanksgiving. Who knew Fruity Pebbles and tears made such a delicious gravy?
  2. Not to brag, but my child steals stuff from the "my child is on the honor roll" bumper sticker factory. (Okay, I'm bragging a little)
  3. I hate holidays because in-laws always show up just after I've eaten a pile of psilocybin. No, wait. I love that. Anyway, totally shrooming.
  4. Happy Birthday @vmarinelli! I got you a lasagna! Did Steff bring it over yet?
  5. Happy Birthday @girlmonkey! Forty?! Four Zero? You don't look a day over bespectacled rodent.
  6. @BrilliantOrange That was just a test. This will be different. Swear to Xenu. I mean God. No! I mean The Lawgiver! Damned mixed mythologies!
  7. The iconic 'freedom' scene in 'Risky Business' depicts a Scientologist dancing to a song by a Republican celebrating conservatism. Discuss.
  8. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was coining an aphorism in which the central conceit was his deceptive prowess.
  9. The day they stop blowing kisses and applauding when I'm done is the day I stop masturbating at this convalescent home.
  10. When your only tool is a hamburgler, every problem looks like food you can steal from children.
  11. There's a guy in our office who greets male co-workers with "Hey, guy!" I call him the 'hey guy guy' and greet him with "Hey, hey guy guy!"
  12. I heard @jephkelley likes his birthday wishes two days old, in the middle of the night, and slathered in mayonnaise. Ĥăþþŷ Бΐŕťĥďāŷ!
  13. If your invite had said 'Barbecue' I'd have brought burgers, but it said 'BBQ'. Now help me get the diapers off these delicious roasters.
  14. I assume people who buy things from Fathead.com are unwittingly volunteering for sterilization in some kind of secret eugenics program.
  15. I've been falsely accused of 'Performing a Lewd and Lascivious Act with a Corn Dog'. I just pray the tests prove that it wasn't my mustard.
  16. "Want some chapstick?" "Um, that's a glue stick." "Same dif." "Your lips are covered in cat hair." "It tastes like fainting."
  17. None of their product can withstand even nominal stress and shock tests, and they refuse to give me a refund, so I'm suing the orphanage.
  18. Man, I've seen Gallagher a dozen times and I've never gotten this wet before. This is easily his best DVD.
  19. I follow both @callmebez and @justregularbez in the hopes that we'll someday have a freaky three-way. With your mom.
  20. @lonelysandwich For some of us, it's simply a way of re-enforcing our alter-ego. Pseudonymously yours, Dr. Zaius