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Zaius13

  1. Some foods I just won't eat because of their name. Stuff like pupu platter, turducken, shiitake mushrooms, and bowel movement soup.
  2. The satisfaction of writing an angry letter will never be matched by the empty gesture of filling out an angry web form.
  3. My penis is really coming along nicely.
  4. Honesty is only the best policy if you never want to get a job, have sex, or scare the neighbor kids into joining your cult.
  5. Those who cannot remember this post are condemned to retweet it.
  6. Happy Birthday @seanhussey! I got you these belated birthday wishes for @jessabelle2o7, @callmebez, and @effingboring! Because I suck.
  7. It puts the hose inside its skin so I can pump the lotion in.
  8. Look, sweetie! I got you all your favorite things in one present! It's a pink Jonas Brothers cell phone and it's made out of kittens!
  9. A winner never quits and a quitter never has to clear his schedule for all the stupid interviews or rent a stupid tux on stupid award night.
  10. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I was saving those jars of urine for our wedding night!" And with that, they mutually agreed to end their engagement.
  11. The early bird catches your mom.
  12. Wait a minute! This is November! That wasn't Santa! Although, to be honest, I did notice that his beard was fake when we were making out.
  13. No, no. I get it. A scrotum for my truck. Sure. But why would my truck's testicles be smaller than mine?
  14. Listen, you told me to empty my pockets, and where I come from, that's a pocket. Now are you gonna clean it up or should we wait for Hazmat?
  15. @idvssuperego Aren't simian "brownies" always hand delivered? BTW, I appreciate that you think they're "dope". They're also "fly".
  16. @thedayhascome You know there's lots of love for Daddy's little girl, but right now Lucy Kate gets the good vibes. Wait your turn.
  17. Happy Anniversary @sween & @damselesque! I can't wait for our annual D&D marathon campaign. See you two tonight! ♫ ♪ Just the 3 of us ♫ ♪
  18. I'd wish @idvssuperego a happy birthday, but then I'd feel bad about missing @gpappalardo's & @moltz & @ange_black & I'M FUCKING BUSY OKAY!?
  19. There's no 'me' in 'team'. Oh, wait. Yes there is. The fourth and second letters spell 'me'. Terribly sorry for the confusion. Carry on.
  20. How many roads must a man walk down before he realizes there's a sidewalk?