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Zaius13

  1. I'm making a new festive dish I created by accident last Thanksgiving. Who knew Fruity Pebbles and tears made such a delicious gravy? about 8 hours ago from web
  2. Not to brag, but my child steals stuff from the "my child is on the honor roll" bumper sticker factory. (Okay, I'm bragging a little) about 12 hours ago from web
  3. I hate holidays because in-laws always show up just after I've eaten a pile of psilocybin. No, wait. I love that. Anyway, totally shrooming. 4:23 PM Nov 24th from web
  4. Happy Birthday @vmarinelli! I got you a lasagna! Did Steff bring it over yet? 3:55 PM Nov 24th from web
  5. Happy Birthday @girlmonkey! Forty?! Four Zero? You don't look a day over bespectacled rodent. 3:53 PM Nov 24th from web
  6. @BrilliantOrange That was just a test. This will be different. Swear to Xenu. I mean God. No! I mean The Lawgiver! Damned mixed mythologies! 1:53 PM Nov 24th from web in reply to BrilliantOrange
  7. The iconic 'freedom' scene in 'Risky Business' depicts a Scientologist dancing to a song by a Republican celebrating conservatism. Discuss. 1:30 PM Nov 24th from web
  8. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was coining an aphorism in which the central conceit was his deceptive prowess. 8:02 AM Nov 24th from web
  9. The day they stop blowing kisses and applauding when I'm done is the day I stop masturbating at this convalescent home. 4:50 PM Nov 23rd from web
  10. When your only tool is a hamburgler, every problem looks like food you can steal from children. 1:40 PM Nov 23rd from web
  11. There's a guy in our office who greets male co-workers with "Hey, guy!" I call him the 'hey guy guy' and greet him with "Hey, hey guy guy!" 10:18 AM Nov 23rd from web
  12. I heard @jephkelley likes his birthday wishes two days old, in the middle of the night, and slathered in mayonnaise. Ĥăþþŷ Бΐŕťĥďāŷ! 12:53 AM Nov 23rd from web
  13. If your invite had said 'Barbecue' I'd have brought burgers, but it said 'BBQ'. Now help me get the diapers off these delicious roasters. 4:45 PM Nov 22nd from web
  14. I assume people who buy things from Fathead.com are unwittingly volunteering for sterilization in some kind of secret eugenics program. 10:46 AM Nov 22nd from Birdfeed
  15. I've been falsely accused of 'Performing a Lewd and Lascivious Act with a Corn Dog'. I just pray the tests prove that it wasn't my mustard. 4:23 PM Nov 21st from web
  16. "Want some chapstick?" "Um, that's a glue stick." "Same dif." "Your lips are covered in cat hair." "It tastes like fainting." 12:53 PM Nov 21st from web
  17. None of their product can withstand even nominal stress and shock tests, and they refuse to give me a refund, so I'm suing the orphanage. 4:42 PM Nov 20th from web
  18. Man, I've seen Gallagher a dozen times and I've never gotten this wet before. This is easily his best DVD. 1:14 PM Nov 20th from web
  19. I follow both @callmebez and @justregularbez in the hopes that we'll someday have a freaky three-way. With your mom. 12:11 PM Nov 20th from web
  20. @lonelysandwich For some of us, it's simply a way of re-enforcing our alter-ego. Pseudonymously yours, Dr. Zaius 11:56 AM Nov 20th from web