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Zaius13

  1. Some foods I just won't eat because of their name. Stuff like pupu platter, turducken, shiitake mushrooms, and bowel movement soup. about 1 hour ago from web
  2. The satisfaction of writing an angry letter will never be matched by the empty gesture of filling out an angry web form. about 5 hours ago from web
  3. My penis is really coming along nicely. about 15 hours ago from web
  4. Honesty is only the best policy if you never want to get a job, have sex, or scare the neighbor kids into joining your cult. about 20 hours ago from web
  5. Those who cannot remember this post are condemned to retweet it. about 24 hours ago from web
  6. Happy Birthday @seanhussey! I got you these belated birthday wishes for @jessabelle2o7, @callmebez, and @effingboring! Because I suck. 12:28 PM Nov 11th from web
  7. It puts the hose inside its skin so I can pump the lotion in. 8:18 AM Nov 11th from web
  8. Look, sweetie! I got you all your favorite things in one present! It's a pink Jonas Brothers cell phone and it's made out of kittens! 5:44 PM Nov 10th from web
  9. A winner never quits and a quitter never has to clear his schedule for all the stupid interviews or rent a stupid tux on stupid award night. 3:08 PM Nov 10th from web
  10. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I was saving those jars of urine for our wedding night!" And with that, they mutually agreed to end their engagement. 12:14 PM Nov 10th from web
  11. The early bird catches your mom. 7:09 AM Nov 10th from web
  12. Wait a minute! This is November! That wasn't Santa! Although, to be honest, I did notice that his beard was fake when we were making out. 5:22 PM Nov 9th from web
  13. No, no. I get it. A scrotum for my truck. Sure. But why would my truck's testicles be smaller than mine? 3:07 PM Nov 9th from web
  14. Listen, you told me to empty my pockets, and where I come from, that's a pocket. Now are you gonna clean it up or should we wait for Hazmat? 11:34 AM Nov 9th from web
  15. @idvssuperego Aren't simian "brownies" always hand delivered? BTW, I appreciate that you think they're "dope". They're also "fly". 10:00 AM Nov 9th from web
  16. @thedayhascome You know there's lots of love for Daddy's little girl, but right now Lucy Kate gets the good vibes. Wait your turn. 9:57 AM Nov 9th from web
  17. Happy Anniversary @sween & @damselesque! I can't wait for our annual D&D marathon campaign. See you two tonight! ♫ ♪ Just the 3 of us ♫ ♪ 9:54 AM Nov 9th from web
  18. I'd wish @idvssuperego a happy birthday, but then I'd feel bad about missing @gpappalardo's & @moltz & @ange_black & I'M FUCKING BUSY OKAY!? 9:48 AM Nov 9th from web
  19. There's no 'me' in 'team'. Oh, wait. Yes there is. The fourth and second letters spell 'me'. Terribly sorry for the confusion. Carry on. 5:11 PM Nov 8th from web
  20. How many roads must a man walk down before he realizes there's a sidewalk? 4:40 PM Nov 7th from web