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my ex gf got a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh....i promies if u put yo face to it u can smell the ocean2:43 PM Apr 11thvia Twitter for Android
If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, just punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.1:55 AM Mar 13thvia Twitter for Android
My ideal girlfriend should be like my dog. Obedient, loyal, happy to see me and occasionally play with their genitals in front of me.9:42 PM Mar 9thvia Twitter for Android
I finally made my gf squirt last night. I probably shouldn't have told her I was fucking her sister while she had a mouthful of coffee.4:34 PM Mar 6thvia Twitter for Android
Late night confession: I once paid a prostitute to do nothing but cook me dinner and wash my clothes.10:17 PM Mar 5thvia Twitter for Android
My sister heard me singing in the shower and she said "STFU!!" I said, "I don't see why you hating outside the tub.. You can't even get in!"6:49 PM Mar 1stvia Twitter for Android
Snooki @snooki is pregnant not that anyone can tell under all those rolls of fat. Funny to watch them try to figure out who the father is.11:08 PM Feb 29thvia Twitter for Android
My mother always told me if you cant say anything nice, don't say anything at all.. and some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.12:52 PM Feb 24thvia Twitter for Android